Monday, February 25, 2008

The End?

I've thought repeatedly about how to put this down in words, but there is just no nice, easy way to say this ---

After 15 years, 3 kids, and just when I thought we were better than ever, my husband has decided he not only doesn't love me, but doesn't even like me (he said truly horrible, hurtful, nasty things) and wants a divorce.

He went to see an attorney today. All he really told me was that he can't afford to move out, and that the attorney thinks he's overreacting (not his exact words) in deciding to divorce me over the differences we have. And suggested counselling, which he (husband) has decided isn't worth it. And the people at his work who he told also think he's being ridiculous.

Just to be clear -- he finds me unattractive ("fat" and "ugly" were said) and does not like that I buy and read books (lots of books) and doesn't think I'm a good housecleaner. And that's a nice clean version of what he said to me, in front of the kids.

I'm at a loss. I could understand if I'd been unfaithful or if I were abusive towards him or the kids, or if we lived in squalor and filth, or I had turned him away every time he wanted sex...

The kids, of course, are upset. OC isn't talking about it. MC wants to go stay with friends. YC was too upset to go to school today so came to work with me.

I broke down at work when telling a friend, my manager, and then my boss. I've requested a flexible schedule so I can be more available for the kids and so far everyone is ok with that. Most of what I do really can be done from home. And the boss has suggested that perhaps this is not the time for me to make a trip out to one of our other facilities.

So, I sit here tonight, so stressed my back hurts from jaw to ankle, my head aches, my eyes ache, my ears ache and my heart aches. I feel like I've been so gullible and naive and stupid in believing him every time he has told me he loves me and likes me and wants me. Just a week and a half ago was Valentine's -- apparently it was all a lie.

Not sure if he'll decide to go through with it -- he's threatened in the past, every time he's gotten angry, but this is the first time he's actually gone to an attorney. Not sure what I want, other than not him, unless he gets some serious help. If he truly doesn't want me, then I don't want him to stay.

Emotionally, I know I will be fine. My concern leans more to the financial and to the kids' wellbeing. We just have to take it one day at a time.

And I don't know what will happen with this blog. Not sure I want to stop, but obviously it's focus will have to change from my real life experiences to more wishing, dreaming, hoping and spanko things I happen upon in the world around me. Kinda depends on if I still have a readership after all this...

Anyway, not asking for pity or anything, just needed to let people know what's going on.


Emilie said...

I'm so sorry, Robin. I am truly shocked and so sad. I am proud of you for recognizing that he needs to get help--he really does need to get help before you consider staying together.

Intuition tells me that something more is going on. Please don't be offended by this...I don't mean to be hurtful at all. From what you've said, it sounds like he is possibly having an affair. There isn't really anything you've done wrong and even though EVERYONE tells him what a fool he is being he is refusing to listen. Those are very tell-tale signs that there is someone else seeming to make it "worth it" to leave everything you guys have worked for over the last 15 years.

May you find the peace and strength you need to pull your kiddos and yourself through this.


Robin said...

I'm not offended. Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, especially given how out of the blue this was. Saturday was like any other day, until that evening when I didn't feel like going out. I was totally shocked Sunday when he started in on me.
He has certainly had ample opportunity over the years, although he has always vehemently denied any cheating (at the same time, constantly accusing me). I can't help but wonder if he was hoping I was cheating in order to legitimize what he was doing (or thinking about doing).
I even asked what, if anything else, was going on & he refused to talk to me.
I just hate what it's doing to the kids. I drove MC to school today & he told me that his dad tried to blame our marital problems on the kids. So, so wrong. I hope I was able to convince him otherwise.
Anyway, thank you for your kind thoughts. They are so appreciated.

Emilie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emilie said...

I screwed up on my last comment and posted before I was done :)

Wow, Robin, I'm so sad for your kids. That is terrible that he would make even an inkling of a comment blaming the kids...and to the kids???

Constantly accusing you of cheating is so typical of the cheating spouse. Your husband just came back in town after a full week out of town on business, right? Can't help but wonder.

I wouldn't confront him about it because you know what his answer will be. If it were me I would totally get access to all of your checking account and credit card statements, his cell phone bill, etc. Of course, proving that he's cheating (or not) really won't change anything.

Is he still living at the house with you guys? He seems very toxic right now, especially for the kids. I hope you keep your head up and remember that this is not your fault.

my email is if you need to talk

Anonymous said...

Very sorry to hear this. It really is unfortunate (to be nice) that he made the decision to attack you like that in front of the kids. He should have been more mature... and more of a man... than to have done that. It's just not right.

Not that it would have been right to have said those things in private mind you. His anger, out of the clear blue... really-really does heavily hint at something else going on. Too much reading and not enough housework... even if 100% true... can't possible cause that sort of response. Something is up.

Not that you've asked, so ignore this without hesitation... but it's our opinion that this guy needs to get the hell out. He doesn't have enough money... BS... find a friend or family members couch until he can rent a room for a few hundred a month. If he can't afford even that, figure out a way to make more money.

It's not in *your* best interest to let him stay. And it sure as heck is not in your kids best interest. It's not healthy to be around that sort of stress, and such a poor example of an adult relationship (thanks to him). Also is NO WAY he should be able to remain in a position to create another scene like he did. You allow that, and then let him stay as he pleases... it's not a good thing.

Of course, if he wants to back down off this... and apologize... and seek individual and marriage counseling... and you'll have him back... then maybe let him stay.

lol, okay... that was more than two cents worth.

We are wishing you well through this trying time.

Todd & Suzy

Bonnie said...


I sent you an e-mail.


Robin said...

Todd & Suzy,
Thank you so much for your comments and support. I hope you know how much it means to me to get such caring.
He claims it's been building up for a while and Sunday just happened to be the day he let loose.
So many people have told him, not necessarily in these exact words, that he's being ridiculous to seek a divorce based on these issues -- even a counsellor he saw to day questioned whether this was something that we needed to even seek counselling on (obviously, since it's causing problems, we do).
Money is tight, and we live in an expensive area. Neither of us have family nearby, and I don't know if he has any friends who he could stay with. I know I don't. The house is large enough that it's pretty easy to steer clear of each other.
To be clear, there has not now, nor ever been physical violence, threatened or actual. I do not physically fear for myself or the children.
He is discussing counselling, and I've made it very clear that this time there will be no continuation of this marriage without it. "Sorry" is nowhere near enough to heal the damage he has caused. He went way too far this time.
Again, thank you, and know that your 'two cents' have been duly noted and appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Well, can I make an observation. Spankos like spanking/or being spanked. If he is away a lot of the time, and then comes home to a house full of kids - whose parents think they have to be silent for - then obviously both sides are frustrated. What if he finds an attractive young spanko, who isn't encomboured by KIDS. Any wonder he is blaming the KIDS. Pitty him. He had what he wanted.

Robin said...

I am more the spanko in this relationship than he is -- I started it :)
Trust me when I say I am not silent when it comes to spankings & sex (hence the frequent mention of my face in a pillow) but our house is pretty solid and with bedroom doors closed not much is heard outside our room. And my being loud is not ever going to be a reason why he wouldn't want to spank or have sex with me.
Considering that DH still has some comfort issues with the whole spanking thing, I sincerely doubt he would go out looking for another woman to spank, or anything else, for that matter.
And his blaming the kids has to do with the messes they make around the house and not cleaning up after themselves and doing their chores. And the snotty teenage attitudes when they're told to do things.
I think he realizes that he overreacted and screwed up. He's apologized to all of us and we're slowly trying to get back to normal.