Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I can be such a...

... moron, idiot, you know what... and it's just so stupid that I behave this way; I'm certainly more than old enough to know better.

You get the idea, right? No? Maybe these lyrics will add a little insight:

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

What brings all this on ~~

Well, after that wonderful welcome to the new year DH and I enjoyed, there was no further sexy, romantic, whatever action all weekend. And much as I would like to be able to blame this at least a little bit on DH, nope, can't, all me.

And my hormones.

Yep, PMSing big time this month and it's because I neglected to keep to my regular schedule of taking vitamins & supplements, the ones that DH constantly questions me about, during the holidays. It's pretty easy on workdays ~~ I put all the pills into a little container & take them with me. When I get to work, I have something to eat & take half the pills, then when I have lunch, I have the other half. When I'm home all day, & my schedule is not so set, I tend to forget to set them out or if I do set them out, I forget to take them.

So, consequently, my hormones were overactive & every little thing DH said or did turned into a big irritation or hurt ~~ completely blown out of proportion by my PMS pickled brain. I was cranky, irritable and weepy ~~ not only can I not stand me this way, neither can DH.

  • DH made a comment about how on earth did I manage to end up with a guy like him ~~ I heard "how did a loser like you end up with a great guy like me" ~~ what he meant was he was amazed that such a great person (me) would have chosen a messed up guy like him.

  • He watched a porno of large women (lucky for me he likes women with a little extra padding) & mentioned that one of the women was similar in build to me & that I should take a look ~~ all I could feel was horrified because I don't want to 'see' what he thinks is my size (I know I'm bigger than I should be, but seeing someone else that size is different than seeing yourself in the mirror).

  • DH goes out by himself on Fridays, & this past one was no exception. I was still up, in bed, when he came home around 2:30am (computering and barking dog contributing to the situation). He didn't come up stairs 'til around 3. Then seemed to me to be complaining that I didn't come downstairs & keep him company while he ate. Then said, "If I'd known you were going to be up this late, I would have had you come out with me." OK, this was a double-sided comment ~~ on one side it seems like a compliment because he wanted me with him; on the other side, it seems like a complaint about my staying up so late. Guess which way I took it?

  • We spent all day Saturday running errands and doing chores. No lovey dovey stuff at all. And then, when we went shopping, he stated that I was not to spend over $100 ~~ I spent $56. His reaction ~~ what did I spend $56 on; there wasn't alot in the cart. Agh. I had refused to buy the girls some treats they wanted, denied myself, just got the necessities needed to get us through the week, came in way under what his stated max was, & I got criticism. Yeah, that really puts me in the mood...


I just started shutting down, my typical reaction when I'm feeling stressed, unloved, uncared for.

So we didn't go out Saturday. I took a shower & while I was in, DH came into the bathroom asking if I wanted him to join me. My response: I don't care, if you want to. And it went downhill from there, with DH asking if we were going to do anything, I said I wasn't in the mood, "What's wrong with you?" said peevishly with absolutely no concern or caring in his tone, "Just not in the mood." This is where I can start pinning some responsibility on DH.

No more talking that night ~~ DH watched TV, I read and listened to my iPod, as far to my side of the bed as I could get without falling off. Pretty much silence most of Sunday, as well. Until DH came storming into the room, blasting me with "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ooh, yeah, way to make me feel safe for opening up & explaining the whole PMS thing. And then, when I did try to say something, not necessarily as nicely as I could have, admittedly, he told me to shut up. Can. Not. Win. That ended any effort at civility for Sunday.

Now, I did kiss DH good bye Monday morning ~~ he was off to Mexico, & I just couldn't let him go without doing that. And we've talked every day ~~ nothing about our tiff or anything lovey or romantic, but not nasty either.



10 comments:

M:e said...

I have to ask this.....does DH read here?

love and hugs xxx

Robin said...

He knows I have this blog, but to my knowledge he has never visited. Somehow my other blog was bookmarked on his iPhone, and he has said he checked it out.
Now, if he could figure out how to see my profile, he'd find this blog listed there, and could then pull it up.
But I don't know that he ever will. He's concerned that he might read something here that might upset/anger/irritate him.
Robin

lalana said...

How bout we just insert "lalana" instead of moron or idiot? Cause I'm pretty damn sure this is the SAME post I wrote the other day, lyrics and all :)
http://lalanasjourney.com/?p=514
(password is vanilla)
Yeah... we suck sometimes, don't we?

Kallisto said...

I am sure a lot of us see ourselves in your post. I am thankful that it rarely happens in our house any longer. When he is home again and you aren't upset, talk to him! I almost put that in caps. Talk to him. Explain what was going on. Tell him about the PMS and that it makes you touchy and you took most of what he said the wrong way.

I sure understand you not wanting to see the woman on the porn, on the other hand, she may not have looked as large as you feared, and might have looked way better than you dared hope? The big thing to remember is that he loves you as you are.

Best wishes,
Kallisto

Florida Dom said...

Robin: I just read your post on Sara and decided to check out your
blog. I just want to echo what Kallisto said and suggest you have a long talk. Tell him you know he's not a spanko but how hard is it to give spanking. Tell him you'll be a much happier woman if he'll spank you on a regular basis and if you're happier, the relationship will be better.
In a lot of relationships, one person will do something that's not a turn on for them but will please their spouse.
And on your end, try not to shut down when you're out of sorts and PMSing.
Maybe none of this will work, but what do you have to lose and maybe you'll gain some good spankings. Anyway, good luck. Real life is hard and then there's the whole Mars-Venus thing. But maybe you can get things cooking.

Janice said...

Dear Robin,

Oh, it is so hard, so painful when you lose contact and you feel you can't do anything to make it better. I am sure it will change, communication is the key as many have said...I believe.

Thank you for the link, by the way, I have put one to your blog on my site.

Hugs

Janice

T Stevenson said...

Robin,

Yes, I think it's good for you to talk with him. I'm sure you will if you haven't all ready but Honey you are WAY too hard on yourself!

I bet there are positives you can counter to every one of those negatives you listed! The only infraction I see in what you wrote was you didn't take your pills when you should have!

Stop beating yourself up and celebrate you for the larger things in life that you achieve!

All the best!

Mina said...

A very difficult thing Robin is the PMS monster. Talk to him and let him know if you can though I know that in itself isn't always easy.

Remember to take your vitamins in the future if they help as this sort of breakdown is very stressful.

All the best.

Hugs
Mina

Impish1 said...

I think you've explained it very well here - and very non-judgmentally. No sense reinventing the wheel. Why not just print this bog post out for him?
Trying to figure out what you need and what he needs when this period descends can also help. Kind of like a formula even going so far to write it out for both of you to talk about and clarify (during sane times)...i.e. "this is what I'm feeling, this is what I need", "this is what you're feeling, this is what you need". Then when things are crazy, either one of you can pull out the sheet to use or just hand to the other. Just a thought; it can help when you're unable to talk.

Robin said...

Thank you all --
Kallisto ~ About seeing the woman in the porn? He's pointed out people to me before, & I've not appreciated it. It's hard to accept that that is how he sees my body.
I know he loves all of me, not just my body, but when I've feeling really vulnerable... Not a good thing to have pointed out.

Florida Dom ~ thank you for visiting & commenting.
We have had spanking talks, and they don't seem to go the way I would like them to. I don't want to be a nag or bratty, so I most often take the route of positively reinforcing his actions when he does spank me (or other) as I've asked him to.
We spend so many years shutting each other out, that unfortunately it is a well ingrained habit. And I have a hard time trusting... past events heavily influence present behavior.

Janice ~ thank you. I appreciate the linking.

T Stevenson ~
The weirdest thing about that whole episode, was the voice in my brain telling me this was ridiculous, that I knew these things weren't a true representation of me or our relationship ~ only it was soundly drowned out and beaten down by the PMSing.
Truly, this is not the normal me. I'm a 'glass half full' kinda person.

Mina ~ talk planned and back to taking the vitamins. I'm feeling better all ready.

Impish1 ~ I like your idea of printing this out. May just have to do that... And the 'if/then' planning, hmmm, may have to give that a try too.
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing such good ideas.

Robin