Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Quick update

Thank you everyone for your words of support and comfort -- they are so appreciated.

He is discussing counselling -- and I've made it clear that we go nowhere without it. He obviously has issues that he needs help to deal with. And counselling would not hurt me, or the kids either.

For those who have concerns for our safety -- he has never physically abused me, nor even threatened to do so while angry. So, please don't worry about our physical safety. We're fine -- if a little frazzled and stressed.

I've adjusted my work week, at least for this week, so that I am with the kids before and after school, working from home when I can. They need to know that they can count on me.

I know I'm no angel, not perfect, but I know the way he has treated me for my imperfections is so off. And I said and did things on Sunday, in reaction to him, that I am not proud of. I have apologized to him and to the kids.

I do feel somewhat vindicated in that the attorney, his co-workers, and the counsellor have all indicated that they feel he is way off-base and over-reacting. Obviously, if these things are bothering him enough to cause an outburst like Sundays, they need to be addressed.

So, we'll see. It's one day at a time. And, regardless of how this ends, I know I will come through it stronger and better. I am a survivor.

Hugs to you all.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The End?

I've thought repeatedly about how to put this down in words, but there is just no nice, easy way to say this ---

After 15 years, 3 kids, and just when I thought we were better than ever, my husband has decided he not only doesn't love me, but doesn't even like me (he said truly horrible, hurtful, nasty things) and wants a divorce.

He went to see an attorney today. All he really told me was that he can't afford to move out, and that the attorney thinks he's overreacting (not his exact words) in deciding to divorce me over the differences we have. And suggested counselling, which he (husband) has decided isn't worth it. And the people at his work who he told also think he's being ridiculous.

Just to be clear -- he finds me unattractive ("fat" and "ugly" were said) and does not like that I buy and read books (lots of books) and doesn't think I'm a good housecleaner. And that's a nice clean version of what he said to me, in front of the kids.

I'm at a loss. I could understand if I'd been unfaithful or if I were abusive towards him or the kids, or if we lived in squalor and filth, or I had turned him away every time he wanted sex...

The kids, of course, are upset. OC isn't talking about it. MC wants to go stay with friends. YC was too upset to go to school today so came to work with me.

I broke down at work when telling a friend, my manager, and then my boss. I've requested a flexible schedule so I can be more available for the kids and so far everyone is ok with that. Most of what I do really can be done from home. And the boss has suggested that perhaps this is not the time for me to make a trip out to one of our other facilities.

So, I sit here tonight, so stressed my back hurts from jaw to ankle, my head aches, my eyes ache, my ears ache and my heart aches. I feel like I've been so gullible and naive and stupid in believing him every time he has told me he loves me and likes me and wants me. Just a week and a half ago was Valentine's -- apparently it was all a lie.

Not sure if he'll decide to go through with it -- he's threatened in the past, every time he's gotten angry, but this is the first time he's actually gone to an attorney. Not sure what I want, other than not him, unless he gets some serious help. If he truly doesn't want me, then I don't want him to stay.

Emotionally, I know I will be fine. My concern leans more to the financial and to the kids' wellbeing. We just have to take it one day at a time.

And I don't know what will happen with this blog. Not sure I want to stop, but obviously it's focus will have to change from my real life experiences to more wishing, dreaming, hoping and spanko things I happen upon in the world around me. Kinda depends on if I still have a readership after all this...

Anyway, not asking for pity or anything, just needed to let people know what's going on.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Weekend & Days 11, 12, 13, & 14

I'd love to be able to regale you with the details of our hot and spankful weekend -- but I'd be lying. Seriously. As far as spankings and sex went, this weekend was a bust (ok, there was sex-- 2 quickies, that's it). DH was just too tired from all his travelling and time change and I was worn out from my week+ as a single parent. So we did chores (bought a dryer, did the grocery shopping, cleaned house, did laundry) and rested (I dozed, DH napped) and went to bed early. Saturday we didn't even do date night, and had the TV and the lights off before 1opm. And this week I have 3 days of meetings at a location 2 hours away, so I will have to leave earlier than usual and will be getting home later -- joy. And based on previous similar meetings, there will be a whole lot of "hurry up and wait" going on. Just great. I can feel the migraine already. So don't expect much from me this week. Sorry.

Anyway, since I don't have any weekend stories to share, here's my take on days 11, 12, 13, & 14 for Romantic Spanking Month.

Day 11 – Bend over the arm of the couch

This is something I would like to try. Unfortunately, in our day to day life it’s just not likely to happen. We have kids and they’re usually home when we’re home, so all our “action” occurs in our bedroom, with the door closed and the TV on. And while we have couches in the house, the way they are situated pretty much blocks the arms.
Hmmm, this might be something we could try on a night spent in a hotel…

Dec 12 – Pick an implement not designed for spanking

Oh, yes, can do, and have done often. Most of what we use are “pervertables” – hairbrush, bathbrush, belt, shoe, wooden spoons, etc. – not usually purchased for spanking (the bath brush being the exception here). Yet, somehow they end up being used to redden my backside.

Day 13 – Talk about spankings

DH and I don’t do this a whole lot. Generally, because I’m not really comfortable bringing the topic up; I never know what his reaction is going to be. I’ve found that the less I mention them, the more he does, at least in passing (or while we’re snuggled in bed and his hand finds my bottom) and not seriously. I do wish he’d be more willing to talk about them – what we’d like to try, what works and what doesn’t, what we each need/expect from a spanking – another thing to work on…

Day 14 – Show your lover how much you care

You all saw the “card” I sent to DH for Valentine’s – with him in France and me in the U.S., physical demonstration was not going to happen. And DH showed me how he cared by calling me and sending me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
While Valentine’s (and birthdays, anniversary, and other ‘holidays’) are good incentive to show love, I really try not to limit myself but let DH know as often as possible how much either love him, either by word or deed.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day


DH gets home tomorrow, but I couldn't let Valentine's Day pass unrecognized, so late last night I created a loving letter and emailed it to him. I knew he'd get it first thing this morning, well before I'd be up. He called me as I was dropping YC off at child care. He sounded pretty amazed.
Thought I'd share it with you.

Things I love about you
That you love me, even after all these years (and all the weight)
Clock Scale
That you (most of the time) get my wicked wit

How you smile when we’re sharing a look (usually about something silly a child has done)
Holding Hands
That you’re a mushy drunk and not a mean one
Drinking Red Wine
That you’re willing to spank me
That you try to (sometimes) get all Dom with me
That you work so hard to take care of us
At Desk
That you put up with my eccentricities
Current Mood - Giggly
That you try to understand me
Question Mark
That you are confident and sure of yourself (without being arrogant or cocky)
That we fit so well together – and not just physically
Yin Yang
That you’ll make sure I come first and in the middle, and sometimes last
That you don’t realize just how much power you do have over me
That you’re loving and playful
That you try to be a good father and a good husband
That you cook for yourself and for us
Cooking Dinner
That you help out with the housework (and sometimes do the major amount)
How we can laugh so much together, sometimes over the silliest things
How we can snuggle and watch TV together before going to sleep
TV 1
How supportive you are of me and the things I like to do (even if you don’t get it)
What The F***?
That you tell me that you love what I can do to you with my hands and mouth
That you still pay me compliments

I know I can think of more, but this should do, for now.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Days 7, 8, 9 & 10

Day 7 – Send your lover a sexy spanko e-mail.

Did this. It’s not unusual for me to send DH loving emails while he’s travelling. This time, I added a suggestive picture to the words.
I went to http://www.naughtycards.com/. If you haven’t been there, there have a pretty good selection of sexy cards, for all sorts, not just spankos.
I knew that DH wouldn’t actually get the card until Friday, but it would be there as soon as he logged on.
And I know he got it, and liked it, because he sent me this message:
Thank you for the card it is my Desk top back ground.

Day 8 – Play act a trip to the principal’s office.

Even if DH were home, I don’t think this would happen. DH just isn’t into this kind of playing. Ok, I haven’t really brought role-playing up with him, but knowing him, I just can’t see him getting into it. I know, he might surprise me. He has recently mentioned that he would like to see me in a maid’s uniform (you know, the sexy French type). At some point I will get one and will see what happens next.

So, maybe I’ll have to bring play-acting up with him, see if he’s willing to give it a try.

Day 9 – It’s fun to spank while making love

Yep, yep, yep.
While obviously we didn’t do this on the ninth, it’s a standard part of our sex life. One of the reasons DH like me on all fours is the ready access to my backside. Me, I like the spanking to start before the actual intercourse, but spanking during just adds to the experience. I can’t see him, I can’t tell what he might be doing when a hand is removed from my hips, and the anticipation of knowing a spank might be coming just kicks things up a bit.

Day 10 – Show off your lingerie

If you’ve read some of my other posts, you’ll know that I do use lingerie to spice things up. Since I don’t wear pajamas, DH knows what’s on my mind when I show up wearing lingerie. And I will probably be wearing some this weekend.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Look what i found


I know I already posted today, but I couldn't resist.

I was not looking for anything spanking related, just looking for something to decorate an "I miss you" message to DH.

And look what I found on webfetti.

Spankos -- We're everywhere! Roll

Days 5 & 6

Day 5 – OTK is A-OK today! and Day 6 – Try a wet spanking.

Didn’t manage either of these.

OTK is not something we’ve done. Not because I’m not interested (well, duh, I’m a spanko), but mainly because of physical limitations. I am just not in a shape where either of us would be comfortable with me draped over his lap. Even if it’s across his legs while he’s on the bed, I still am not comfortable mentally and worry that it’s not comfortable for him physically. So I haven’t pushed the issue. Maybe someday I’ll feel ready to give this a try.

Wet – I just could not come up with a way to set this up. Seeing as we had both showered that morning before work, insisting on a joint shower before bed and pulling implements into it, just seemed too obvious. And too likely to be rejected. Remember, DH ‘claims’ to not be that into spanking and gets rather standoffish if he feels like I’m pushing it at him too much (his definition of too much, not mine). *Sigh*

And logistically I just couldn’t figure out a good way, even if he were totally into it.

*The shower is way too small for much activity – I’d be worried that he’d hurt himself or break something while trying to get a good swing going.

*Next option would be to get out soaking wet and take up position somewhere in the bathroom (over the edge of the tub, leaning over the counter, on all fours). This would be way too freaking cold. Our bathroom is always like a walk in cooler; and being wet from the shower would leave us shivering, and not with arousal or anticipation. And then we’d also have to have water, warm, on hand to keep my backside good and wet, making a mess.

*Finally, we could move into the bedroom. But it’s carpeted and in the effort to keep me good and wet, the carpet would likely end up good and wet as well. Just not a good idea.

All in all, just too much work for an iffy scenario on a work night.

But I’m not giving up on this as an activity to pursue some other time.

Now, not all was lost, as we did engage in some enjoyable sex. With DH leaving for over a week, we needed to make sure we had some quality time together. And we did.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Days 3 & 4 + some other stuff

Dear Readers -- Down at the very end of this post I've asked a question that I really would like to receive answers to, if you're willing. And I thank you in advance.

Day 3 -- Read some new spanking blogs

Did this, using Bonnie’s Kindred Spirits list to provide some guidance/inspiration.

A Taste of the Birch
ABC’s of My Life
I’m Her Husband Not Another Father

I’ve added the feeds from all three to my feeds list so I can more easily keep up with them. I like that ABC’s and Husband are written by wife and husband, respectively. For whatever reason, women seem to be more into writing about what goes on with their lives while the men seem to be a little more reticient. It’s nice to get the male and female perspectives.

Day 4 – It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting

So this night, we were basically going for the plain old vanilla (as we define it) action. Being a Monday, we’d both had work that day and were going to have to get up the next morning and do it all again (work, not sex *sigh*). So no fancy dress up or laying out of accessories, just undressing and going at it with the TV on in the background.

DH was watching a recorded Leno and I snuggled up next to him. Hands started moving – mine over him, his over me. Kissing, caressing, stroking, squeezing. I do believe there were a few swats at my backside *grin*, but nothing I would classify as a spanking. DH requested some oral attention, so I removed myself from the bed to kneel at his feet. Besides me on my hands and knees during sex, this would be DH’s favorite position to see me in.

Keeping in mind that this day was needing some sting, I managed to reach over to DH’s bedside table and rummage in the drawers to find a certain toy – a red rubber multi-strand whip. DH doesn’t use this one often, but I really like it when he does – it’s got a lovely thud/sting combo going on. A pleasurable thud/sting, unlike some other implements he uses fairly regularly. I handed it to him and he used it lightly, mainly over my shoulders and back as he was finding it difficult to reach further down.

DH tossed the whip onto the bed then helped me up and into his favorite position. And then, well, you know… the usual – enter, thrust, orgasm-me, orgasm-him, relax onto bed.

Then I had myself a bit of fun.

DH went into the bathroom, to do whatever he needed to do. And instead of shifting my position (as he’d requested), I stayed sideways across the bed, blocking DH’s spot. A calculated risk, as the whip was next to me on the bed. When he came out and saw me still where he’d left me, he was less than pleased. He again told me to move. I looked up over my shoulder and clear as day told him, “Make me.” He responded with, “I just wish I could.”

Now, I can’t say with any certainty who looked at the whip first. All I know is that he saw it, knew what to do, picked it up and applied it heartily to my backside. Ahhh, such lovely heat, such lovely sting. Didn’t take too many strikes before I was giggling and scrambling out of the way, onto my side of the bed, to his remarks about doing as he says, being in trouble, etc.

What wonderful, lovely (and sting-y) fun.

And the other stuff

Yesterday while at the store I was looking at Valentine cards for DH. Saw a couple that had me laughing in the middle of the aisle and getting odd looks from the kiddies. Keep in mind I'm paraphrasing as I don't have the cards in question.

1st card--

Front -- I've got an idea for a different way to play Texas Hold 'Em...

Inside -- ... I'll go get the rope.

2nd card --

Front -- I went to one of those stores where you can make the special 'bears'...

Inside -- They threw me out after I added the handcuffs and the black leather whip. (Accompanied by a picture of a teddie bear with cuffs on the wrists and ankles, holding handcuffs in the right paw and a whip in the left)

Got a couple of sexy ones for DH. We just don't do the mushy sentimental cards -- just can't. Not that we don't love each other and tell each other this, but those cards are just so not us. Ok, well, they're DH after he's had a few drinks (he's a mushy drunk *said with love*).

And had an interesting conversation with DH today. I was out running errands during my lunch hour. He called and of course I had left my phone in the car (duh). So I called him back, and over an absolutely horrid echo, had the following basic conversation.

DH: Where are you?

Me: out running errands.

DH: What errands?

I ran down the list, even able to say "I did too" when he commented that I probably hadn't done something he'd asked me to do. After which I said, "I've been such a good girl today, I think I should get a reward."

DH: Go give yourself a spanking.

Me: [laughing] That's no fun!

DH laughed too then went on with the conversation. (wait, wait, wait -- a little background is needed before this part. Back on the 3rd I was a sneaky little minx and went on to My Bottom Smarts on DH's iPhone [looking at the Romantic Spanking Month calendar] and then did not exit all the way out before handing it back to him. I did this purposely -- I knew this meant that the next time he went on line with his phone, MBS would be staring out at him. And the next day while at work, he called to ask what was I looking at, was that some spanking stuff, etc. I answered in the affirmative and that was the end of it --- I thought....)

DH: I was looking at that spanking website, the one that is red, that you had on my iPhone.

Me: [silence... really how am I supposed to respond to that?]

DH: What does [ ] D mean?

It was not a perfect connection, lots of static with a bad echo, so I thought he was asking about BDSM and said what that stands for.

DH: No. DD.

Me: DD? Domestic Discipline.

DH: OK. That's right. [ok, apparently this was a trick question since he already knew the answer -- now I can't help wondering why the test] I googled it to find out what it meant. Domestic Discpline means there's spankings but it's not sex?

Me: Different people practice it differently. For some people, there's sex no matter what kind of spanking it was.

And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. I'm guessing he checked out a few of the Kindred Spirits from MBS in order to find mention of DD.

And yes, I realize, and did at the time, that by leaving MBS up for DH to find, he might, just might, if he really took a look at the blog, notice over in the Kindred Spirits listing a blog called Robin's Red Bottom, make the not so difficult deduction that this could be his wife's blog, and check it out. Only now, knowing that he has been checking things out, there's a wee bit of panic coursing through my system.

Now big question (and please, please answer, either through comments of email) -- Do you think I've blogged anything that DH might take horrible offense at? That might upset him terribly?

I know I've occasionally complained about something going on with us, but overall what I've written has been positive, loving and supportive -- right? (pleadingly)

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Romantic Spanking Month -- Day 2 (cont)

Tie Her Up, Tie Her Down -- cont.

DH entered our room and saw me waiting. A huge grin crossed his face. "You want some action tonight, don't you? Show me what you're wearing." I shifted the robe down so he could see the corset and the upper tattoo. We kissed and caressed, and I told DH I was his toy for the night, to play with me. DH went to change. When he came back, he checked out all the items I'd set out on the bed, taking some of the massage oil and applying it to my backside (but not before commenting on the 'tattoo' there, although he interpreted the 'naughty' as 'love'). After choosing the oils, etc. that he wanted to use, he had me remove my robe and lean over the edge of the bed. The stilettos allowed me to stretch my legs out straight and keep my feet on the floor for support. And then the entirely unsolicited hand spanking started. DH covered both cheeks, top to bottom, pausing now and then to rub, squeeze, caress and apply more oil (obviously managing somewhere in there to remove my panties). And of course all this attention was arousing me, especially when he spanked in that certain area, down low, towards the center, that sends warm swirls through to the front. Not all the spanking was by hand -- he also used the dreaded bath brush -- he loves to see me squirm and try to get away.

During a pause in the spanking, I managed to suggest to DH that he try some bondage, pointing out the beginner's kit on the bed. He questioned what to do and I simply put my hands together at the small of my back. DH took the hint and bound my wrists together -- not too tightly; in fact, I probably could have gotten loose had I really wanted to. Once he was finished with the ties, the spanking continued, alternating between hand and bath brush. I think his hand is my favorite 'implement' while the bath brush is my absolute least favorite (I think I've made that fairly clear -- I've seriously contemplated making it disappear, but know he would quickly notice). I could feel things warming up nicely from his hand, mixed with the sharp pain from the bath brush.

DH then paused again, going around to my bedside table to retrieve one of my 'toys'. With my hands behind my back, I was face down on the bed, unable to see what exactly DH was doing, and unable to see which toy he was getting. But I did hear it buzzing as he walked back to me, giving me a pretty good idea which one he’d chosen (yes, I have more than one, they’re all different). He told me to get up on the bed, on my knees. Geez, but this is hard to do with your hands tied behind your back. I had to strain to get upright, then lift my knees up onto the bed, then flop forward (not at all graceful) to get my bottom up as DH likes it. And then he started rubbing my toy on me, around my bottom, down the crack, around the front to my clit, and then inside. With DH directly behind me, his legs brushed against mine, and I could feel that he’d completely undressed. I have no idea when – face down and in the spanking/sex mindset I never noticed. DH skillfully wielded my toy, in and out, with just the right pressure on just the right spot. I could feel the pressure build, and it was driving me crazy. I hadn’t realized how much I used my hands during orgasm, to clutch at blankets or pillows or DH, to support and move my body. (Having my hands bound behind me really forced me to just let go, to not fight or try to control anything that was going on. Something I’m going to have to think about…). And I came, multiple times.

By this time, DH was more than ready. He positioned himself and entered me, hard. Don’t know what it was – remembering the blowjob, the dress up, the spanking, the bondage, the toy – but it was more than DH could stand. He came so quickly, but not without pushing me over the edge, again. And to make up for the less than lengthy intercourse, he took the toy to me again. By the time he’d decided I’d had enough, I was exhausted and lay limp on the bed.

DH unbound my wrists and I scooted myself more securely onto the bed. We lay there next to each other, cuddling and caressing while we relaxed and came down from our sexual high.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Romantic Spanking Month -- Days 1 & 2

Bonnie posted this calendar on her blog, My Bottom Smarts. And I've decided to give as many suggestions as possible a try and post about it here. Bonnie comes up with such great ideas.

Feb 1 -- Buy a new implement.
I seriously considered this, but didn't do so. Two reasons -- weather was too bad for me to make a lunch time run to any nearby stores that might carry an implement we don't currently have; and we haven't lately been using the ones we already have so didn't feel I could truly justify it. I did look online and found some possibles. I may still purchase something later this month.

Feb 2 -- Tie her up, tie her down (part 1).
DH and I have never, til this past Saturday night, incorporated any sort of bondage in any of our play (not for lack of suggestions by either of us, or purchases of beginner's kits). But with this calendar as incentive, I did what I could to make it happen.

Saturday night was date night, and I was determined to make things happen. Last week I just felt too miserable, then it was period week so no action, and DH leaves this Thursday and doesn't come back til the 15th, so we needed some serious us time. And I got things started before we even left the house.
We'd been napping, resting up for the evening. When we woke, I reached over and started caressing hubby, stroking and squeezing, doing whatever it took to get him hard and ready. Then I leaned over and took him into my mouth. Based on the physical and verbal responses I was getting, DH was really enjoying this unasked for oral attention. We were both fully clothed, and I was positioned so that DH could at least rub and caress my bottom while I switched from mouth to hand and back again. He did make comments about if I kept this action up, he was going to have to fuck me. I just continued paying undivided attention to his hard, hot cock. A couple of times I could tell he was getting close to coming -- I backed off, but continued stroking and squeezing. He asked me if I wanted him to come, or if I wanted him to wait till later. I didn't answer; he could stop me at anytime, if that was what he really wanted. Apparently, it wasn't :D. It didn't take too much more oral attention before I heard his breathing change and felt his cock get even harder. And he came as I continued to suck and lick until he was finished. DH couldn't tell me enough how much he had liked his surprise, and would like it if I did such things more often (surprise -- not).
Then we showered and got ready to go out. Out of DH's view I applied some spray glimmer 'tattoos' (upper left breast was "nice" in a heart, and right bottom cheek was "naughty") and put on a corset with matching panties. Weather unfortunately was not appropriate for stillettos (or heels of any sort), and they probably would have been too painful for wearing out. I like surprising him with these little teasers while we're out.
After dinner and a few drinks, we came home. While DH made sure everything was closed up and turned off for the night, I rushed upstairs, stripped down to the corset, put on the stillettos, put on my robe, and got out a few things -- oils, lubes, bondage kit, etc., but absolutely no spanking implements. I did this purposely -- DH had a week or so ago made some comments, again, about my having a one track mind, always reading and writing about spanking, and always expecting him to provide (not true in my mind, but it's what he was feeling). I was not going to push spanking at him, it was going to have to be all his idea.

To be continued...

Friday, February 1, 2008

I am such a slug...

3 weeks?!?! How the bloody hell can it be almost 3 weeks since I last managed to post here? You'd think I've gone into hibernation. But nope, just worn out. Not to go into the boring details, but there's multiple stressors at work, 'fun' at home with the hubby and 3 kiddies (remember, 2 of them are teens), visit from in-laws, and the lovely winter weather.

And I didn't realize how much my back was affecting all the aspects of my life. I've had back issues since I was a teen and have seen chiropractors on and off over the years. I was going pretty regularly the end of last year, but hadn't been since just before the holidays. With all the stresses lately, I've been in pain and suffering headaches and such pretty regularly the last couple of weeks. So I finally made it back in today. Oh. My. God. I feel a thousand times better -- nothing like a massage, an adjustment, and some stim to make you feel better. And I deliberately planned it for today since tomorrow is date night and we've been 'inactive' all week.

Now, even in my misery, I did see that I continued to have guests here and just want to say "thank you" for not giving up on me. And I did manage to get a few more blogs added to my "Blogs I Like" list (and yes, I really do read them pretty regularly).

I've got two chiro appts scheduled for next week, plus DH is leaving for France on Thursday and not coming back til the following week, so I'll be able to get plenty of rest, which means (hopefully) more creative energy.... which means... I WILL BLOG!!

Happy February, Happy Valentines Day, and Happy Spanking Month!