Saturday, January 30, 2010

How things are now

DH and I have I think worked this out. There is no doubt that he overreacts and exaggerates but he is not physically violent, did not call me names (although he has in the past) nor threaten me with any harm other than the potential for separating.

Analyst that I am *grin*, I did some calculations. DH and I have an 'upset' every few months. They usually last for 4-5 days at the most. So figure maybe a month per year when we aren't getting along ~~ this still means that more than 90% of the time we are getting along swimmingly Smile

Of course, while we're in the midst of it, it does seem like the end, and I do use this blog to let feelings out... Sorry for any worries or concerns I caused any of you. I'm sorry

After a few days of not talking except for what was necessary to take care of home and children, late last Friday while in bed watching TV before sleep, we talked it out. He turned to me and expressed that he wanted to get this worked out before he left on his business trip because he didn't want to leave with things still unresolved between us (plus he wanted to have some good make up sex Rolling Eyes).


He took a little thing I did out of friendship and instead of immediately asking me about it, let it stew and build in his mind until it was a H-U-G-E issue. And then he erupted. Yelled, screamed, said all sorts of things, and then shut himself off from me. Then he was apparently just waiting for me to apologize...

Thing is, I did apologize during the heated discussion ~~ only he was so worked up, he didn't hear me, at all. Also, my apology was not for what I had done (as there was nothing intrinsically wrong with that), but for not thinking beforehand about how he might feel about it and for the fact that my actions hurt his feelings. I was truly sorry for that.

What it comes down to at the most basic level is that we just do not communicate the same (you'd think we'd have it down after all these years). I prefer to be addressed directly. If you have a concern or have a question, I don't always understand what you're going for if you express it indirectly.

Example: DH says, "That person sure flirts a lot, don't they." I answer, "Yes, they do."  What he's really asking is, "This person flirts a lot. Do they flirt with you? Do you flirt back?"  And I was in trouble for not recognizing the unsaid portion of his question *rolling eyes*

Turns out, he also likes to hear the little details of my interactions, in real life and on-line. Where I'm going, where I've been, who I've talked to, who's talked to me, what we've talked about, etc. And when I don't share and he sees/hears/reads, etc. something I've been up to that I didn't tell him directly, he starts feeling like I'm hiding things from him. Even though I'm not. It's just that some interactions are so brief, and such a small portion of my day, that, while they are important to me, I just don't ever think that they are important enough to always share. Sure, he likes to share details with me about things that happen on his nights out (where he goes, who he talks with, what they talk about, etc.), but I don't ask him to, and quite frankly, I don't really need to hear about it. But, he feels better if he shares, and he also feels that if someone brings it up later and he's already told me about it, I won't feel blindsided.

So, he holds all his worries in until they just erupt and then he says crazy things that he doesn't really mean just to hurt me, but because of my nature, I believe, and then I go a little crazy, too, worrying about my future and our family's future. I've explained this to him, telling him that things would go much better if the moment he finds something that disturbs him, he would just come to me and calmly state the situation, then really listen while I respond. I'm not saying we'd never have disagreements or upsets, but things could definitely be handled better.

I know people have expressed concerns that they see characteristics in how I've described DH that are commonly seen in abusive, controlling people. Possibly... But I'm sure people also see signs of neuroses, depression and all sorts of other things in me, just from what I've written. But these possible characteristics are only a small part of the whole ~~ and most people have small bits of such 'negative' traits in them, they just keep them controlled or hidden so that they rarely if ever appear. And when they do appear, they are only evident for a short while, then get pushed down again.  EVERYONE has issues ~~ some people just handle them better.

Also, I happen to like a little bit of possessiveness and control (hellooo, submissive here Waving). It makes me feel secure and safe to know that he loves and cares for me so much. And a little rule like communicating/sharing more with him is definitely doable. We spent so many years where we just lived in the same house, when we lived constantly with doubts about our feelings for each other, with no passion, that I can live with the occasional upset ~~ especially when the outcome is that we understand one another better and become closer.

As a closing note, things have been VERY good since we made up. There has been sexting, sexy phone calls, sexy emails, flowers out of the blue, intense D/s activity, lots and lots of sex, and of course TALKING.Couples

Friday, January 15, 2010


Grace of a day in the life received some very scary news today. She had a biopsy and the results are positive for breast cancer.

Grace and her family need all the prayers and good thoughts we can give them.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

So we survived the holidays. So many days of forced togetherness, as a couple and a family, has been known to take its toll on us. But we made it.

Until I did something, again, that I did out of friendship and niceness, that has angered DH, again.

I have no idea where things go from here, again.

It's clear he cannot accept me as I am, and no matter what I or others say, doesn't feel I can be trusted (I feel like a broken record here, but let me state, once again, that I have NEVER cheated on him, in the real world or on line ~~ and I have never had any desire to).

I have packed up all the toys, stowing them away out of sight ~~ there's no point now at having them at hand in the bedside table.

I have looked into moving out, but I have not been financially wise over the years (just two bills each month that eat up over 1/2 my pay) nor do I make a large salary, and there is no way I can afford a place even just for me. At least not anywhere near here and there is no way I will abandon my children or pull them out of the schools and away from their friends. Our separation would be disruptive enough without all that. He has suggested doing something like Jon & Kate ~~ the kids stay put while we rotate in and out of the house ~~ but I don't see how we could financially swing that. Rent on two places plus the mortgage? How much is a week in a residence hotel...

This is just so hard.  When things are good, they are very good. But then something happens (usually something that seems small to me) and he just loses it. Not physically or violently, but emotionally and mentally. He closes himself off, letting his thoughts run wild and it all festers until it comes exploding out. I've learned that fighting back doesn't help ~~ and I don't like the person I become, the things I say and do when I react to his anger with more anger. It just leads to things getting even more out of control. So I back off, withdraw, give him his space, let him say what he needs to say, only responding to direct questions or to call him out on his exaggerations.

Eventually we get past it, at least on the surface, but each time it gets harder and harder, the wounds are reopened and deepened and don't seem to completely heal. And I relax, start feeling secure in our relationship, then I do something, again.

And sometimes, the information I get from him is conflicting. He tells me it's okay to meet people, but when I start to I'm told 'no not them' or that it's okay only in certain circumstances. I wanted to do NaNoWriMo this year. I went to a couple of group meetings, but was given the 3rd degree each time. He tells me he loves my creativity and that if I want to write I should, but then when I try to take the time to write he gets upset that I am taking the time. So something is okay, until he feels threatened by it, then instead of calmly and clearly stating his change of mind he loses it. Definitely makes things difficult and increases tensions.

I know you get only one side here. Please don't think he's a bad man. He works hard to support us financially, he does cooking and housework, he's intelligent and can be very fun to be with. He tries his best to do what is right for his family.

And, in case you hadn't figured it out, I am not perfect. I am not a good cook and prefer not to cook at all unless I have to. I am not a good housekeeper (although when I was a SAHM I was better) ~~ there are always other things I would rather be doing than cleaning house. I am a bit of a pack rat, but try to keep my stuff in only a few mostly out of sight locations (I am getting better with this, going through things every few months and tossing LOTS, but I don't think it will ever be good enough for him). I can be selfish, unaware, closed off, lazy... I am seriously overweight, but never seem to be able to keep consistently with exercising and healthy eating (emotional and binge eater here).

What it all comes down to.... I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.