Friday, November 14, 2008

In response to John's comment

"Hope things are going well between you and DH. Just between the two of us, never thought of taking a lover in the past when marriage seemed doomed?

Things are okay -- still nowhere near enough spankings, sex, or just plain intimacy as far as I'm concerned, but no blowups, major or minor, either. Not my libido or energy level, but his (although between my crazy work load the past several months, his travels and life in general, I suppose it's not too surprising).

Taking a lover? Nope never a serious thought of doing so. Why? Oh so many reasons.

First, we lived for a long while as what I would call more roommates with benefits than as husband and wife. We slept in the same bed, had sex (uh, yeah, 3 kids), but other than that just never seemed to be on the same page relationship wise. Having kids changed my body (negatively) and took up a lot of my time and energy, plus working and trying to keep house -- I certainly didn't feel attractive to myself or to my husband, so why would I think anyone else would find me so. And I basically just closed myself off emotionally. And although it's never been diagnosed, I do believe that off and on over the years I have suffered from mild depression -- much less now than ever before.

Second, it's not in my nature. Even when things have been at their worse, I can't even imagine myself having an affair. When I am fantasizing about someone other than DH , I am not me (if that even makes sense) or I am an alternate reality me where I am not married to DH. Just can't seriously see myself taking that kind of risk. Seeing myself just walk away, yes; cheating, no. And really what made me stay was not an undying love, but lack of energy (depression), complacency (this is just how it is), not seeing how I could ever find anything better (self-esteem issues), not wanting to be alone, and worrying about finances and taking care of the kids.

Third, while I may fantasize about wild and crazy casual sexual encounters, I don't think that I can really do that. I truly am more of relationship sort of person -- there has to be connection beyond the purely physical. Plus, I never go anywhere where I might even meet someone -- I don't even put myself in a situation where DH might question my fidelity. We go out together or with friends -- I don't think I've ever even been to a bar by myself. Even when I was single, I was always with friends. Never been a party girl. I do realize that the internet could make it easier to find a potential lover, but since I'm not looking, I don't 'look'.

We have discussed open marriages/polyamory. And while I think I am more than capable of loving more than one person, keeping our marriage primary, and following whatever rules we would lay out, DH doesn't trust himself to follow any rules and would take it as the freedom to do whatever he wanted, with whomever, with no regard for our marriage, me or the 'rules'. So we don't even discuss it anymore.

Anyway. So I have stayed, not strayed, and things have improved. Are we perfect? Yeah, right, you've seen us on all the talk shows advising everyone on how to have the perfect marriage, haven't you? Hah. It's still pretty close to one day at a time, with some better than others. I just stay hopeful, and keep working on my communication skills. He's not a mind reader... yet *grin*

So, John, is that enough of an answer, do you need more, or do you have more questions?

Let me know.


Spanky said...

Wonderful post, Robin. I know exactly where you are coming from with the "nowhere near enough sex" part, having been there with my wife in the past. There is light at the end of the tunnel if you look for it later, believe me.

Mina said...

Hi Robin, thanks for coming to visit my place for LOL day and I am returning the favour. I realise now I have been here before, lurking a time or two so I shall post on your LOL day shortly.

I understand so much of what you say in this post and it isn't easy. I hope you have a nice break in the mountains, get some perspective and come back refreshed.

Remember to take time for yourself.


Robin said...

Hi Spanky --
I do try to remain hopeful - somedays are easier than others. It's just hard to go from multiple times a week to once every 10 days or so...

Robin said...

Hi Mina,
Thank you for visiting and commenting. I know you've been going through some struggles of your own lately. We've come very close to separating several times, but so far have always managed to pull things back together.
If you read today's post, you'll so how restful and relaxing my vacation has been :P

john said...

Great post. Thanks for your honest answer. Seems you try to make the best of your marriage.

Robin said...

Hi john,
I do believe honesty is the best policy -- within reason *grin*.
I try to make the best of everything, not just my marriage. Life is too short to spend it grumbling and ranting about "what ifs" and "should have beens" -- I chose to marry DH, and while he does have faults, I do too, and I try to see past them to the good things (and the good far outnumber the bad).
I do understand why people make the choice to have affairs, but it's just not me.