What We Did on Our Summer Vacation - Days 5 & 6

First, let me say thank you to those who've commented & emailed. I still haven't managed to get my laptop fixed or replaced, and replying to comments with my phone is somewhat difficult.

Now, on to the vacation...

*Please note - if you were hoping there'd be more stories of sex & spankings, I'm sorry to disappoint, but Day 4 was it. Read on to find out why.*

Day 5 -- The day started off roughly as we were awakened at 3:15 a.m. by the Captain announcing a missing passenger. A few minutes later, another message that all was well.

We woke up for real about 7:45. DH and I wished each other Happy Anniversary (17 years). Then went up with the kids to watch our arrival into Cabo San Lucas before breakfast. Sitting was uncomfortable

After breakfast, we took a tender to shore. Someone was feeding fish by the docks - we saw lots of different types of fish, including "Gil" from "Finding Nemo."

For $10 each we got an hour long boat ride from the marina, out around Land's End, into the Pacific and back, stopping to look at wildlife (sea lions, pelicans, other birds, fish, sting rays) and landscape (arches, caves, beaches) and people enjoying the area (snorkelers, kayakers, parasailers, jet skiers). We then took a water taxi to beaches across the harbor where we had lunch and the kids played.

Once back on the ship, DH arranged for son to have a phone call with his girlfriend; girls and I headed to pools; and DH napped.

Shortly after the ship left Cabo, already later than scheduled, I heard an announcement: "Alpha alpha alpha sportsdeck." It was repeated 3-4 times, very calmly. It was obvious that something major had happened on the sportsdeck. About 15 minutes later the Captain announced that a passenger had broken her foot 'quite badly' and we would be returning to Cabo as she needed hospital care. Once she was off the ship, we continued on to Mazatlan.

I went back to our cabin to get out of my swimsuit and shower before dinner. DH was on the bed watching sports. I offered him a blowjob, but he wasn't interested. Also asked if he was coming to dinner, but he had other plans. So I changed, lotioning my sunburned areas, and he left to watch sports, drink and smoke.

It was now dinnertime, on our anniversary, and no sign of DH; I went to find the kids so I wouldn't have to eat alone. Found the girls sitting with their feet in a hot tub. No sign of the boy. Had dinner and dessert with the girls. While I was enjoying a cup of tea, the boy came in and I sat with him while he ate. We just sat for a while talking about all sorts of things while the restaurant closed around us.

On the way back to our cabin, I met up with DH and we went together to our room. Let's be clear that all free dining was now closed, and I think all the paid dining as well, so there was no possibility of an anniversary dinner. I laid down for a bit as my stomach was suddenly upset. But DH was keen on going out drinking, with or without me, so he left me lying there sick in bed and out he went. Eventually, I fell asleep.


Day 6 -- I was awakened out of a deep sleep at 2:30 a.m. by DH. He wanted to know if I wanted to come join him and his new friends in the hot tubs. I was so angry. He was obviously drunk and didn't care what I was feeling. I kept telling him no, he kept pushing; finally we hung up. I couldn't get back to sleep and was still awake sometime later when he came to the room. He turned on lights, left the bathroom door open so I could hear everything that happened in there. Then he crawled into bed, reeking of alcohol, and began to snore. I finally fell back into a restless sleep.

I was lying in bed, awake, well before 8 a.m. when the Captain announced our arrival in Mazatlan. I got up about 8:30, trying not to disturb DH, thinking I'd just go get breakfast by myself. Only he decided to get up to. I really was not in the mood.

Called the kids and told them to get ready. Youngest came over to our cabin and we were all out on the balcony. We didn't hear the older two knock at our door. They thought we left without them so headed to the restaurant on their own. DH said "Let's go" so youngest and I left, thinking he was right behind us. He wasn't.

We got to the cafe and found the other two holding a table. DH stormed in, glaring at us and sat elsewhere. I sat there while the kids got food; I was no longer hungry. DH left without a word or look. I burst into tears.

While the kids went to their cabin, I went to get a coffee and find info on Mazatlan. When I returned to our cabin, DH was just lying on the bed watching TV. I changed and went to the kids room. It was pretty clear we weren't going ashore.

Kids and I hung out by pools until lunch time. No sign of DH anywhere.

After lunch, the kids went off on their own and I headed back to the cabin. I wanted to nap, but DH was there, sleeping, on my side of the bed. I ended up on the couch, watching TV 'til I fell asleep.

I was already awake when the Captain's announcement that we were leaving Mazatlan woke DH up. With a sarcastic 'what a great day' he went out on the balcony, closing the curtains behind him. I got up, dressed, did hair and makeup; he still hadn't come back in. I went up to watch the departure and maybe see the sunset.

Had dinner with the kids again. Then went to the adult area and enjoyed the hot tub, chatting with the others there. DH walked by, and even though I tried to talk to him, he barely acknowledged me.

Around 11, discovered that the youngest wasn't feeling well. Feverish, sore throat, ear pain. I took her to the midnight buffet to try to get her to eat a little, then to my cabin where we snuggled before I tucked her into bed about 12:45.

I noticed son wasn't in the cabin and as ship-imposed curfew was 1, I went to find him. He was at the buffet. He'd had some food, done some dancing, until
His dad found him and decided to unload on him how awful and ungrateful we all are and how he (DH) never does anything wrong. Son wasn't ready to go to bed, so we went to the Promenade and just sat for a while, not really talking, until he was ready to head to head to his cabin.

I then climbed into my own empty bed.


~~ just a few more days to go

~hugs~
Robin

What We Did on Our Summer Vacation, part 2

Day 3 -- Morning was unexciting. Packing, dropping off luggage at Terminal, quick drive around San Pedro, then waiting with the kids for what seemed like hours while DH returned rental car.
Did overhear one funny bit of conversation~
Son (maybe 6 years old) to father wearing pirate hat w/ Jack Sparrow hair: Dad, if you're going to be a pirate, I'm not going to be your friend.
Alright, well, we found it funny.
Once on board, it took a bit to find our cabins - it was a b-i-g ship. Kids were across the hall from us, in a smaller interior cabin. Which they all felt was grossly unfair.
Stood on deck as we set sail, just enjoying the view ~ brought back memories of being on small boats leaving that same harbor. After lunch, we explored a bit, then spent time is the pool & hot tub. After dinner, we all played video games in the arcade.
By 9:30 we were all dragging so headed to bed.
Gotta say I loved having a balcony. It was fun to leave the curtains & balcony door wide open while changing :-)

Day 4 -- We all slept in 'til about 9:30. While eating breakfast we saw sea lions floating by.
Spent more time exploring the ship. While in the Photo Gallery, I glanced out a window & saw whales. 3 or 4 of them, coming up to breathe as they swam by, the occasional fluke lift.. They were too far away for me to identify what species, but they did not have prominent dorsal fins (so NOT orcas no matter what my son might say).
While the kids went for a swim, DH & I hung out in our cabin for a bit, enjoying the view off our balcony. We even saw several dolphins.
Later, the kids & I were on the balcony and noticed several small animals at the front of the ship, but we weren't sure what they were. At first they appeared to be birds as they seemed to be flying away. But then they would dive into the water... Only we never saw them come back to the surface like you'd think a bird would. Flying fish? We went to a lower deck that was open to the outside so se could get a closer look. Yep. Flying fish. We watched for quite a while as it was interesting to see how they flew.
We also saw more sea lions floating by.
Kids eventually spent more time swimming. We hadn't seen DH since lunch ~ hours earlier. I joined the kids for awhile, then it was time to get ready for Formal Night. Had a wonderful dinner & got a few family photos taken.
After dropping the kids back at their cabin, DH & I went out for a couple of drinks before heading to our own cabin to have some fun. DH put on some porn, laid out all the implements & had me get into position, bent over the edge of the bed. He started with his hand (my favorite), then switched things up by also using the evil bathbrush, the flogger, & the leather paddle. He was rather heavy handed at times & I had to struggle not to make too much noise. Soon I was up on the bed, face pressed down into pillows to muffle my cries & moans as he pounded into me, eliciting multiple orgasms. Then more flogging & spanking as I stayed with my ass up & legs spread. DH applied & rubbed oil on my skin & lubed us both in preparation for anal. It didn't take long 'til I was moaning & screaming into the pillows again as orgasm after orgasm flashed through my body. He even reached around to rub my clit & finger my pussy, before gripping my hips tightly in his hands as he thrust harder & faster for his own release.
Sated & exhausted, we quickly cleaned up & collapsed into bed.

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Part 3 coming soon...


*hugs*
Robin

What We Did on Our Summer Vacation

So a while back I said I would write about our family vacation, a 7-day cruise from Los Angeles (San Pedro) down to Mexico & back.

Here's a start:

Day 1 -- We flew into Orange County Friday afternoon, staying at a hotel by the Long Beach airport. That first night should have clued me in on how the entire trip would go.
After a late family dinner at one of our favorite places, I was hoping for some sex-filled quality time with DH. But there was a game he wanted to watch & a friend he wanted to go out with. By the time the game finished, I was falling asleep. So DH showered & went out.
He came back well after 2 a.m., drunk & high. Yes, I said high, as in stood in the mens bathroom with strangers smoking joints. He climbed in the bed & fell asleep. I did not sleep well.

Day 2 -- Our 15-year-old son woke us at 8 a.m. because he was bored & hungry. And then because we didn't immediately hop up & fulfill all his wishes, he had a breakdown, yelling, sulking, walking off so we couldn't find him. (It was after we got up but before we got with the kids that DH told me about being too drunk & smoking pot. I was incredibly disappointed in him).
I finally managed to 'text' our son down & we went to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. I love this aquarium. When we lived near there, we always had a membership.
Considering how the day had started, we all had a really good time. We saw everything, taking all the time we wanted. We held birds, touched sharks & skates & rays & sea urchins & sea hares. In one of the large tanks there was a huge grouper that seemed to be very interested in our youngest, repeatedly swimming up to & past her. At the largest tank, we got to watch divers feeding lettuce to various fish & sea creatures. Our youngest got an upside down high five from one of them.
Just a really great time. After 2-1/2 hours we were still reluctant to leave but we wanted to visit some of our old haunts, have lunch & then drive down to Huntington Beach & Laguna Beach. Later, it was back to the hotel & a late dinner at In-n-Out.
We did manage to get in a quickie before bed.

Side notes -- I'm a west coast girl ~ childhood in the east bay area of California, youth in Washington State, down to southern California after university. It always feels like coming home. The purple blooms of the jacaranda. Palm trees. Bougainvillas. Hibiscus. Ice plants along the freeways.
White stucco walls. Red tile roofs.
June gloom, which hopefully burns away for at least a few hours before the marine layer rolls back in as the day approaches its end.
Standing on cliffs or beaches staring out to sea, watching boats, ships, surfers, gulls, pelicans; hoping to see dolphins swimming by; listening to the waves crash upon rocks or shush over the sand; salty air blowing & coating skin and hair.
Even after 8 years away, I miss it horribly & always suffer homesickness even after just a short visit.
~sigh~

Someday soon I'll try to get some more posted.

P.S. Right now, I can't add pictures as they are all on my malfunctioning laptop & I am writing this on my phone. Hopefully in the not too distant future I'll be able to get some posted.

*hugs*
Robin

Just checking in...

I know it looks like I've abandoned this blog, but really I haven't... Just haven't a) had much time to get on here, and b) even if I did have time I just haven't felt like I had much to share, especially not anything in line with the title of this blog.

So, what's been keeping me away, you ask? (I know you're dying with curiousity 0_o)

*There are two seasons here as far as roads are concerned ~~ winter and road work. As soon as winter ends the road work starts and screws up everything. My commute that used to take just an hour in the morning and an hour and a half in the evening now takes at least an hour and a half in the morning and two hours in the evening. I'm up at 5:30 to leave at 6:30 to hopefully get to work by 8 so I can leave at 4:30 and hopefully be home by 7. As you can see, doesn't leave a lot of time for leisure activities. And it also means most housework and errands get pushed off to the weekends, leaving little fun and/or me time then.

*Back in March I entered into a depressive period that lasted the better part of a month (if not more; the beginning and end of one of these periods is not cut in stone). DH of course took it all personally and his attitude only served to draw things out even longer. I've since come out of it and am doing fine.

*I've been having hip and back pain on and off for about a year and a half. Mentioned during my physical last fall; x-rays were taken. The message from the nurse after they were reviewed was that nothing out of the ordinary was seen but if I continued to have problems I might want to consider physical therapy (and the way she said it made me feel like I was being a hypochondriac). Well, with the increase in my commute times, the pain is more frequent and more intense. Plus, I spoke with my younger sister and she shared that she'd been going through the same thing and she had been diagnosed with degeneration at L5 and arthritis of the sacrum. So, back to the doctor. More x-rays, referral to PT and super pain reliever for bedtime. This time the message about the x-rays came from my doctor who said that the x-rays showed the same now as they did in November ~~ a mild curvature (scoliosis) to the left and mild L5-S1 narrowing, consistent with arthritic change. Too bad this wasn't made clear in November. So, anyway, along with lack of time due to long commute, lets throw in pain making me less than interested in computer and/or writing activities.

*There just have not been a lot of fun and/or play activities to write about. Between my depressive episode, his traveling for work, my aches and pains and exhaustion from work and all, we just have had a really hard time connecting enough for just regular normal vanilla sex, let alone finding time and energy for any level of play. We've averaged about once every 4 to 6 weeks... Just not enough. Although I am sitting here with a nicely sore bottom as I am writing this ;-)

So, there are a few reasons ~~ not shared as excuses, but as explanations of what's been keeping me away. In fact, I haven't even had the time and inclination to keep up on reading others' blogs ~sigh~

Twitter keeps me sane :-) And connected with the world.

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Now, at some point I do have a few things to post and share ~~

• Poetry
• Drawing
• Vacation posts and pictures
• Whatever else I can manage to come up with

Please bear with me as I work my way back to blogging.

e[lust] #10

HNT Courtesy of Babe Lincoln

Welcome to e[lust] - The 10th edition! Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #11? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Negotiation - Not Nearly As Awkward As Having a Breakdown in Public - All the worries about getting to know a new person (“Am I dressed ok? Are they gonna like my stories about my grandma?”) get exaggerated when you’re talking about sex and desire...

Dollar Store Domme - He definitely can't elude the dollops of toothpaste I dab onto his nipples. It takes a delicious second before he feels the cool burn penetrate his flesh. By that time I'm already up and selecting a plastic spatula from the credenza.

The Best of Both Worlds or Lost in Limbo? - Whether intentional or unthinking, bisexual denial is a frustrating thing for bisexual, pansexual or ‘fluid’ people to have to deal with.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Navigating Genderqueer in Suburbia - But pray tell how do the rest of us navigate it? How the hell am I supposed to know if you identify as male or just like dressing like one?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

The Daddy Issue: Sexualizing Abuse - I needed to walk through this fear, and turn it into pleasure. I needed to prove to myself that he hadn’t broken me. That he hadn’t changed who I was to become. That I was not affected by what he did. That he didn’t abuse me.

See also: Pleasurists #69 and #70 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

15 minute phone sex
...And Orgasms On Demand
A Neighbor In Need #7
Afternoon Delight!
Casino
Desperation & Dominance
Dreams
Evening Home, Part 3
First Asleep Loses
Happy ending
I Got....
I am a keeper of secrets
I Got Fucked
I am Coming for You: A Letter to Scin
Late Night Satisfaction
Lolita's Mother
Making M Squirt
Sir ~ intro
The Hatter
The Flash Fiction Friday FAQ!
Trussed
We fucked, they applauded
Where there is a libido, there is a way
Wicked Wednesday: Idyll

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

20 Reasons Why Sex Is Good
Defining Sex
Hurt me, Pet
I Was Raped
Playing Dumb
Red Flags of an Abusive Partner, Part 2
Restrictions and Satisfaction
Someone Else's Shoes
Sex Isn't Everything
The Art of Sensual Touching-Caressing for You and Your Partner
The STI You Haven't Heard of: Molluscum contagiosum
The Suit
Vibrant Woman or Live Masturbation Sleeve
What I Don't Need

Kink & Fetish

A Little Girl's Need for Submission
Are You Done Yet?
A Reformatory Punishment
BDSM Advice Series: Floggers
Bruises
Determined to bind
His Slut
I Really Wasn't In The Mood
Impact
Pain and Healing
Questions From DH About These Things We Do
Surrender
Sub Drop: Fact or Fiction?
Tiiu Ashcraft - Fetish Artist and Beauty
The Eroticism of Tattoos
The Competition
Wanting to want

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

A History of Violence
Asshat of the Day Award
Awesome Mentoring Work and Upcoming Apprenticeship

Questions From DH About These Things We Do

A couple of weeks ago, while out on our date night, my DH asked me a couple of questions:

• Do I really get aroused from "these things we do" ~~ spanking, flogging, bondage, etc.?

and

• Why do I get aroused from them?

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Now, that first one is quick and easy to answer ~~ Absolutely, yes, I get aroused from all of the above. There is ample physical evidence to support this ~~ we both have felt how swollen and wet I get from our activities. We can easily go straight from spanking to fucking without there having been any direct stimulation of my clit or pussy, and I will quickly have multiple orgasms. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it.

The second question is much more difficult to answer. Not because I have no idea, but because finding the words that might adequately express my thoughts and feelings is not always an easy task. But I tried. Now in the spirit of full disclosure, let me just add here that I had already been flogged, spanked, cropped and caressed for about half an hour earlier that evening, and had just had a mint chocolate martini. So I was feeling warm and fuzzy, inside and out.

I started by explaining that I felt there were three components to it ~~ physical, mental, and emotional ~~ and that they were all interconnected. I tend to picture it as a type of triskele or triskelion:

Three points all joined at their bases, but also connected by the neverending circle that flows from one to the other then the next, continuously.

Anyway...

Emotionally ~~

• Trust. I am trusting him to do what he will without causing irreparable damage. I am also trusting that he is truthful when he tells me that he is enjoying all this, too, and not just because I want it or because it's what he thinks I want to hear.
• Love. Through this give-and-take, our love for each other has strengthened and deepened. I may not feel gushy feelings of love as he's actively beating my ass, but afterwords, as we're basking in the glow, yes, I feel great love for him.
• Passion. Sharing this with him, my submission to his dominance, has increased the passion we feel for one another, in the moment, and outside of it. We have come to know and understand each other better, and that has allowed us to share even more of ourselves with each other ~~ our hopes, dreams, fantasies ~~ without repurcussion.
• Surprise
• Wonder
• Amusement
• Happiness
• Completion
• Caring
• Affection

Well, I think you get the idea ~~ there are so many emotions tied into it that there's no way I could adequately list and explain each one. Just know that because of these things we do, our emotional relationship, in and out of the bedroom, has improved in all these areas.


Mentally ~~

This is a little harder, as the difference between mental and emotional, as I see them, is not always easy to explain. While there can be thoughts tied to emotions and emotions tied to thoughts, their processes aren't the same. One is feeling, the other is thinking. So this piece has to do with the actual thought processes that are involved.

The largest mental aspect for me is the whole submission thing. I'm actively choosing to give up control to my husband, at least in certain circumstances. We have taken the time to discuss our wants and needs, to express our thoughts on what we want our relationship to be, what works for us. Yes, emotions underlie all this, but we are using logic and reason to work out the details.

Physically ~~

This is perhaps the easiest part for me to explain.  There is the pain, of course. I'm being hit with all sorts of implements in all sorts of ways ~~ hard, soft, stingy, thuddy, fast, slow, rhythmic, chaotic, here, then there... And I am finding that in certain situations, pain is wonderful. But them, it doesn't stay pain. It morphs into a wave of heat, spreading out from the point of impact, and eventually suffusing my entire body. And when that heat reaches my pussy, it increases the arousal that has already been fed by the emotional and mental components.

I think a good comparison would be fireworks. The strike is the equivalent of the mortar exploding in the air. Watching, we don't know where exactly that's going to happen nor what form exactly the fireworks will take ~~ large and rapidly spreading; a dripping cascade of sparkles; red, gold, silver, blue, green, purple; up high or down low; individually or a multitude overlapping without rhythm or pattern... And the submissive or bottom, likewise, doesn't know which implement, where it will strike, nor what force will be behind the strike. But we know it's coming, we expect it. And then the fireworks appear/the pain becomes spreading heat and we are mesmerized by the experience.

And when DH gets a good rhythm going, particularly with the flogger ~~ an even pace, consistency with the force ~~ it's so very, very hypnotic, and I find myself drifting away on the sensations, floating, thoughtless... Subspace? I think so, but it really doesn't matter what I or anyone else might call it. All that matters is how it makes me feel.

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Now, I don't know what anyone reading this might think or feel about what I've shared here, whether there is agreement or disagreement. But I do know that DH was moved by what I expressed to him that night. So moved in fact, that he was ready to head home right then to spend some time on these things we do.

Making Up is Fun to do...

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Microfantasy Monday ~~ Books (1)

Microfantasy Monday is the brainchild of Ang of Sweltering Celt.

"Robin! You get your ass up here right now!" His voice echoed through the house.

~Oh, god, what now~ I thought as I followed the audible trail of his angry muttering up the stairs and into our bedroom, where I found him standing in my closet.

"What the hell! Where did all these books come from? Look at this," waving a bookstore bag and receipt in my face, "you just bought these last week. I clearly remember telling you 'no more books', at least not without checking with me first. And I also clearly recall you agreeing to this rule, however reluctantly. Didn't you?"

Without moving my eyes from his, I slowly nodded in agreement. I did remember him telling me he didn't want me buying any more books, and that there would be 'consequences' if I did. But, while he always threatened consequences, there never were any, and after a month of no book purchases, and no questioning from him on whether I was following the rule, I just figured he had forgotten, again, and didn't really care. So, I went to the bookstore, planning just to get two books by authors I like, but instead, as usual, I found many more I just had to have. Of course, I knew better than to just leave them lying around, so I put them in my closet thinking he'd never see them there.

Apparently, I was wrong.

"These books are going back to the store. Uh uh, don't even try to say anything right now. I am so pissed. Pissed that you would go and do something I specifically told you not to. And it's so obvious you were trying to hide these from me too." He advanced towards me, forcing me to back out of the closet and into our bedroom.

He was shaking, he was so angry.

"I am too angry to deal with you now. I'm going out for a while, but when I come back, there will be a punishment for breaking the rule. You will stay here in our room until that time. And I will be checking." And with that, he stormed out.

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He returned about an hour later, still angry and upset, but much calmer than when he had left.

"I've thought about this, a lot. You've said often that you'd like more of a DD aspect to our marriage. I haven't wanted to, but I feel like you've pushed me to this. I asked you to follow one simple rule ~ do not buy any books ~ and not only did you buy books but you deliberately tried to hide that from me. I honestly feel that this is the only way you will truly listen to me." He closed and locked the bedroom door, closed the curtains, and turned up the volume on the TV. "Remove all your clothes and stand in that corner."

I slowly and fearfully did as instructed. While in the corner I could hear him moving around, obviously setting things up for my punishment. I figured spanking, but with which implement, how many, how long... We'd never done this for anything but play...

"Come to the bed and lean over the side."

Sitting on the bed were not only all our standard implements, but also the books I had bought. I could hardly move... but I managed to get into position.

"I think we'll start with 10 per side with each implement, including each of the books you bought, then I'll see if I think you need more. You will stay in position and you will count out each strike. Ready..."

And with full force, he began...

Quite a Bit Going On

Since DH and I have made up, there has been quite a bit going on. And to make sure I remember everything so I have something to write about here, I've taken to carrying a journal around with me and just jotting things down.

1-18-10 (noted on):

• I asked DH if he'd like to try fisting me sometime. He's definitely interested. Not sure when we'll actually try. (There was a surprise attempt; plan to write it up later)
• Rope play ~~ he's expressed an interest in trying this (maybe it was the pictures at the BDSM club ~~ I noticed him really looking at them). Told him a local online friend would be happy to demonstrate on me :-)  Also told him about a couple of websites he/we could check out.
• While waiting at the orthodontist, read an interesting article in Newsweek. The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage by Theodore B. Olson. Very interesting and well written. It's refreshing to see an acknowledged conservative calmly and rationally refute all the irrational conservative arguments against it. In case you can't tell, I'm all for gay marriage. Actually people in any sort of committed loving consensual relationship should be allowed to have the legal recognition that a marriage certificate brings, even if they don't have one  ~~ gay, straight, poly, etc. ~~ health care coverage, tax breaks, recognition as family during emergencies, and so on. The world needs more love, in all it's many permutations, and not more intolerance and downright hate. My great uncle is gay ~~ I remember meeting him and his partner as a young child then again as a teen and nobody every treated it as odd. I had gay, lesbian, and bi- friends in college ~~ dormmates and roommates. I never felt uncomfortable around them or felt that there was anything 'wrong' with them. Sure, some I liked better than others, but you can say that about anybody, regardless of sexual orientation. This is a big reason I left the religion I grew up in ~~ very upset by their very public opposition to gay marriage.

Wednesday 01-20-10:

I woke up on the 20th with an extremely painful left eye. Upper and lower lids were swollen, eye itself felt hot, burning, scratchy. There was constant pain, running, extreme light sensitivity. And it also affected my right eye, making doing anything at all extremely difficult. (Did you know that tear ducts drain into nasal passages? Me neither. Until along with the runny left eye, I had a runny left nostril). Oh, and to top it off, although I am right-handed, I am left-eyed, so my poor, less good, right eye was having to do all the work ~~ it was not happy. And funny thing, I actually had a dream about my eye hurting, and I got up, went into the bathroom and was pulling balls of lint out of my eye :-/

DH stayed home with me. Took YC to school then took me to the doctor. Doctor took a look at my eye, said she didn't have the necessary equipment to really look at it and made me an appointment with and ophthalmologist later that day. Between appointments, DH needed to stop by the office and then we went to lunch. During the drive, I glanced over at DH to find him grinning. Here's what he was thinking:

• What if I get any eyepatch?
• I would look like a pirate...
• I could dress up like a pirate... (he then commented, "Too bad I'm not more submissive. You could be a pirate queen...)
• Thoughts of me dressed in my maid costume...
• Leading to thoughts of what he likes to do to me when I'm a 'maid'

Finally saw the ophthalmologist. My eye was feeling much better at this point, but still obviously not normal. He took a look, removed some fibers and found that I had an infected scratch over my iris, kind of close to the pupil. I have no idea how this happened ~~ injuries of this sort are most commonly seen with contact wearers and I don't wear contacts. I was given antibiotic eye drops and sent on my way.

Thursday it was better, but still too bad for me to make the long drive into work. I worked a little bit from home, but was so exhausted and maybe slightly feverish that I spent most of the day napping and resting. That night, DH and I held hands and snuggled a bit while watching TV. When I turned onto my left side to sleep, his hand drifted to my bottom and rested there. I reached back to continue holding hands and he told me he was happy holding my butt. So, lots of loving touches, but I was just too tired and sick for sex ~~ and he didn't push. However, when I thanked him for taking such good care of me, he told me I owe him a blowjob. :-D

Friday I went into work. My eye was better, but still red and the upper lid was still a little swollen. It was really freaking my boss out ~~ he told me he couldn't even look at it, had to make sure he was looking at my other eye when talking to me.

Saturday was filled with errands ~~ car needed service, needed to pick up prescription and get drops to soothe my poor overworked right eye (while at Walgreen's, son managed to drop a spill a gallon of tea on the floor). Then it was nap time to rest up for our night out (which deserves a post of it's own).

Sunday was a day of rest, especially resting and recovering from the night before. The biggest thing of the day was a conference call with my sister and youngest brother ~~ our dad left everything to us in an FLP, with the oldest brother as GM. We think he's been less than honest in his dealings and when we politely asked him for more details, he threw a tantrum and said he wanted out. So now we're trying to come up with a plan that is fair for everyone, and he just keeps pushing and asking for way more than his share is worth. It's frustrating. We don't want to get attorneys involved, but we may have to. And he's the one who will lose everything if we have to do that as he relies solely on the family business for his income while all the rest of us have jobs and just enjoy getting a little extra money during the year.

This past week, I worked everyday, my eye is almost 100% again (just seems to tire easy and my poor overworked right eye does, too), and DH's mother, father, and youngest sister arrived Thursday for a week-long stay.

I hope to get at least one other post up this week....

How things are now

DH and I have I think worked this out. There is no doubt that he overreacts and exaggerates but he is not physically violent, did not call me names (although he has in the past) nor threaten me with any harm other than the potential for separating.

Analyst that I am *grin*, I did some calculations. DH and I have an 'upset' every few months. They usually last for 4-5 days at the most. So figure maybe a month per year when we aren't getting along ~~ this still means that more than 90% of the time we are getting along swimmingly

Of course, while we're in the midst of it, it does seem like the end, and I do use this blog to let feelings out... Sorry for any worries or concerns I caused any of you.

After a few days of not talking except for what was necessary to take care of home and children, late last Friday while in bed watching TV before sleep, we talked it out. He turned to me and expressed that he wanted to get this worked out before he left on his business trip because he didn't want to leave with things still unresolved between us (plus he wanted to have some good make up sex ).

So...

He took a little thing I did out of friendship and instead of immediately asking me about it, let it stew and build in his mind until it was a H-U-G-E issue. And then he erupted. Yelled, screamed, said all sorts of things, and then shut himself off from me. Then he was apparently just waiting for me to apologize...

Thing is, I did apologize during the heated discussion ~~ only he was so worked up, he didn't hear me, at all. Also, my apology was not for what I had done (as there was nothing intrinsically wrong with that), but for not thinking beforehand about how he might feel about it and for the fact that my actions hurt his feelings. I was truly sorry for that.

What it comes down to at the most basic level is that we just do not communicate the same (you'd think we'd have it down after all these years). I prefer to be addressed directly. If you have a concern or have a question, I don't always understand what you're going for if you express it indirectly.

Example: DH says, "That person sure flirts a lot, don't they." I answer, "Yes, they do."  What he's really asking is, "This person flirts a lot. Do they flirt with you? Do you flirt back?"  And I was in trouble for not recognizing the unsaid portion of his question *rolling eyes*

Turns out, he also likes to hear the little details of my interactions, in real life and on-line. Where I'm going, where I've been, who I've talked to, who's talked to me, what we've talked about, etc. And when I don't share and he sees/hears/reads, etc. something I've been up to that I didn't tell him directly, he starts feeling like I'm hiding things from him. Even though I'm not. It's just that some interactions are so brief, and such a small portion of my day, that, while they are important to me, I just don't ever think that they are important enough to always share. Sure, he likes to share details with me about things that happen on his nights out (where he goes, who he talks with, what they talk about, etc.), but I don't ask him to, and quite frankly, I don't really need to hear about it. But, he feels better if he shares, and he also feels that if someone brings it up later and he's already told me about it, I won't feel blindsided.

So, he holds all his worries in until they just erupt and then he says crazy things that he doesn't really mean just to hurt me, but because of my nature, I believe, and then I go a little crazy, too, worrying about my future and our family's future. I've explained this to him, telling him that things would go much better if the moment he finds something that disturbs him, he would just come to me and calmly state the situation, then really listen while I respond. I'm not saying we'd never have disagreements or upsets, but things could definitely be handled better.

I know people have expressed concerns that they see characteristics in how I've described DH that are commonly seen in abusive, controlling people. Possibly... But I'm sure people also see signs of neuroses, depression and all sorts of other things in me, just from what I've written. But these possible characteristics are only a small part of the whole ~~ and most people have small bits of such 'negative' traits in them, they just keep them controlled or hidden so that they rarely if ever appear. And when they do appear, they are only evident for a short while, then get pushed down again.  EVERYONE has issues ~~ some people just handle them better.

Also, I happen to like a little bit of possessiveness and control (hellooo, submissive here ). It makes me feel secure and safe to know that he loves and cares for me so much. And a little rule like communicating/sharing more with him is definitely doable. We spent so many years where we just lived in the same house, when we lived constantly with doubts about our feelings for each other, with no passion, that I can live with the occasional upset ~~ especially when the outcome is that we understand one another better and become closer.

As a closing note, things have been VERY good since we made up. There has been sexting, sexy phone calls, sexy emails, flowers out of the blue, intense D/s activity, lots and lots of sex, and of course TALKING.

Grace

Grace of a day in the life received some very scary news today. She had a biopsy and the results are positive for breast cancer.

Grace and her family need all the prayers and good thoughts we can give them.

~hugs~

Robin

So we survived the holidays. So many days of forced togetherness, as a couple and a family, has been known to take its toll on us. But we made it.

Until I did something, again, that I did out of friendship and niceness, that has angered DH, again.

I have no idea where things go from here, again.

It's clear he cannot accept me as I am, and no matter what I or others say, doesn't feel I can be trusted (I feel like a broken record here, but let me state, once again, that I have NEVER cheated on him, in the real world or on line ~~ and I have never had any desire to).

I have packed up all the toys, stowing them away out of sight ~~ there's no point now at having them at hand in the bedside table.

I have looked into moving out, but I have not been financially wise over the years (just two bills each month that eat up over 1/2 my pay) nor do I make a large salary, and there is no way I can afford a place even just for me. At least not anywhere near here and there is no way I will abandon my children or pull them out of the schools and away from their friends. Our separation would be disruptive enough without all that. He has suggested doing something like Jon & Kate ~~ the kids stay put while we rotate in and out of the house ~~ but I don't see how we could financially swing that. Rent on two places plus the mortgage? How much is a week in a residence hotel...

This is just so hard.  When things are good, they are very good. But then something happens (usually something that seems small to me) and he just loses it. Not physically or violently, but emotionally and mentally. He closes himself off, letting his thoughts run wild and it all festers until it comes exploding out. I've learned that fighting back doesn't help ~~ and I don't like the person I become, the things I say and do when I react to his anger with more anger. It just leads to things getting even more out of control. So I back off, withdraw, give him his space, let him say what he needs to say, only responding to direct questions or to call him out on his exaggerations.

Eventually we get past it, at least on the surface, but each time it gets harder and harder, the wounds are reopened and deepened and don't seem to completely heal. And I relax, start feeling secure in our relationship, then I do something, again.

And sometimes, the information I get from him is conflicting. He tells me it's okay to meet people, but when I start to I'm told 'no not them' or that it's okay only in certain circumstances. I wanted to do NaNoWriMo this year. I went to a couple of group meetings, but was given the 3rd degree each time. He tells me he loves my creativity and that if I want to write I should, but then when I try to take the time to write he gets upset that I am taking the time. So something is okay, until he feels threatened by it, then instead of calmly and clearly stating his change of mind he loses it. Definitely makes things difficult and increases tensions.

I know you get only one side here. Please don't think he's a bad man. He works hard to support us financially, he does cooking and housework, he's intelligent and can be very fun to be with. He tries his best to do what is right for his family.

And, in case you hadn't figured it out, I am not perfect. I am not a good cook and prefer not to cook at all unless I have to. I am not a good housekeeper (although when I was a SAHM I was better) ~~ there are always other things I would rather be doing than cleaning house. I am a bit of a pack rat, but try to keep my stuff in only a few mostly out of sight locations (I am getting better with this, going through things every few months and tossing LOTS, but I don't think it will ever be good enough for him). I can be selfish, unaware, closed off, lazy... I am seriously overweight, but never seem to be able to keep consistently with exercising and healthy eating (emotional and binge eater here).

What it all comes down to.... I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.