Wednesday, January 6, 2010

So we survived the holidays. So many days of forced togetherness, as a couple and a family, has been known to take its toll on us. But we made it.

Until I did something, again, that I did out of friendship and niceness, that has angered DH, again.

I have no idea where things go from here, again.

It's clear he cannot accept me as I am, and no matter what I or others say, doesn't feel I can be trusted (I feel like a broken record here, but let me state, once again, that I have NEVER cheated on him, in the real world or on line ~~ and I have never had any desire to).

I have packed up all the toys, stowing them away out of sight ~~ there's no point now at having them at hand in the bedside table.

I have looked into moving out, but I have not been financially wise over the years (just two bills each month that eat up over 1/2 my pay) nor do I make a large salary, and there is no way I can afford a place even just for me. At least not anywhere near here and there is no way I will abandon my children or pull them out of the schools and away from their friends. Our separation would be disruptive enough without all that. He has suggested doing something like Jon & Kate ~~ the kids stay put while we rotate in and out of the house ~~ but I don't see how we could financially swing that. Rent on two places plus the mortgage? How much is a week in a residence hotel...

This is just so hard.  When things are good, they are very good. But then something happens (usually something that seems small to me) and he just loses it. Not physically or violently, but emotionally and mentally. He closes himself off, letting his thoughts run wild and it all festers until it comes exploding out. I've learned that fighting back doesn't help ~~ and I don't like the person I become, the things I say and do when I react to his anger with more anger. It just leads to things getting even more out of control. So I back off, withdraw, give him his space, let him say what he needs to say, only responding to direct questions or to call him out on his exaggerations.

Eventually we get past it, at least on the surface, but each time it gets harder and harder, the wounds are reopened and deepened and don't seem to completely heal. And I relax, start feeling secure in our relationship, then I do something, again.

And sometimes, the information I get from him is conflicting. He tells me it's okay to meet people, but when I start to I'm told 'no not them' or that it's okay only in certain circumstances. I wanted to do NaNoWriMo this year. I went to a couple of group meetings, but was given the 3rd degree each time. He tells me he loves my creativity and that if I want to write I should, but then when I try to take the time to write he gets upset that I am taking the time. So something is okay, until he feels threatened by it, then instead of calmly and clearly stating his change of mind he loses it. Definitely makes things difficult and increases tensions.

I know you get only one side here. Please don't think he's a bad man. He works hard to support us financially, he does cooking and housework, he's intelligent and can be very fun to be with. He tries his best to do what is right for his family.

And, in case you hadn't figured it out, I am not perfect. I am not a good cook and prefer not to cook at all unless I have to. I am not a good housekeeper (although when I was a SAHM I was better) ~~ there are always other things I would rather be doing than cleaning house. I am a bit of a pack rat, but try to keep my stuff in only a few mostly out of sight locations (I am getting better with this, going through things every few months and tossing LOTS, but I don't think it will ever be good enough for him). I can be selfish, unaware, closed off, lazy... I am seriously overweight, but never seem to be able to keep consistently with exercising and healthy eating (emotional and binge eater here).

What it all comes down to.... I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


Loving Sub said...

I'm sorry things are so tough, darling. My thoughts, prayers, and hugs are with you.

Love always,

Sarah said...

I follow your blog but never left any comment till now. In my opinion your husband just need some time to accept who you are, just by reading your blog it seems he is good man, good in bed, intelligent, financially supporting the family, and fun person to hang out. Do not take me wrong honey but what else do you want? I will trade my husband with yours if he is tall, dark and handsome. Hope things work out for you.
In my opinion he is a keeper.

Robin said...

LS ~~ Thank you. I truly do appreciate your kind words.


Robin said...

Sarah ~~ Reading back over my post, I realize I wasn't clear. HE is the one who has brought up separation & divorce. And if that is a real possibility, I have to look at whether or not I can afford moving out, etc. I am not just arbitrarily deciding to leave him because he is angry & upset with me this one time.
Since the beginning of our marriage, he has threatened leaving & divorce almost every time there has been a fight. And that means I have heard these threats hundreds of times in the past 16+ years.
And I am tired of hearing it, worrying about it, wondering if this time he means it. I am tired of being distrusted, of being criticized for being me. I often feel as though I have to walk on eggshells around him to keep the peace...
And I am sure if you asked him he'd have a list of all the things about me that he is tired of too.
I am also tired of having to work to rebuild everything every few months.
And as for giving him more time ~~ I started opening up to him about all these things long before I started the blog. How much time do I have to give him?
I'm not trying to offend you with all this, just adding more information to maybe help you understand a bit better where it is I'm coming from. I am glad you're a reader and that you decided to comment.


Dave The Rave said...

It seems to me that he is a controlling husband and an abuser. Telling you what you can and can't do and then reacting to what he said you "could" do shows that he is very insecure.

My father wanted my mother to work to earn her keep and then after retiring from service in his 40's, he said that he wanted her to be a SAHM when she was in her 40's and working. So, she agreed and that was that.

As for me, I am single and unattached. A classmate of mine was abused by her husband and he broke up with her three times until finally telling her it was over. She knew his dark side when we were still in school, but was too blind to see it. I would have beat him senseless in a minute and he knew it.

Still, you must find your inner resolve to make it thru this and I do hope you find what you are looking for.

Anonymous said...

Robin, you don't know me but I have read several of your entries. This last one sent off warning signals for me. I was once married to a man who was controlling but emotionally insecure. He would dictate everything I did and wobble back & forth between what I could do & what I couldn't. He was a personal dictator not a loving, dominant husband. And he used the threat of divorce to keep me in his control. He would tell me that I couldn't survive without him and for a long time I believed him. He was very unstable and abusive in so many ways. I finally got away from him and my life became sane again. I know it will be hard but find a friend, someone you can trust who will help you, and separate from him. Also, don't you realize that your children see this going on between you and stress over it. They may be better off as well.
Good luck & many blessings,

Sarah said...

I respectfully disagree with previous two comments. Don't mess up your life, I am following your blog for a while, you guys have on & off relationship but nothing serious or dangerous. People get mad and call each other name but it did not mean anyting. I hope things working out for you. I have not heard from you or from your blog since last email.

Robin said...

Everyone ~~
Thank you for your comments and concerns.
I will shortly get a post up about what happened next.


Radha said...


I hope that all is going well for you and your family. I honestly believe that the shaking up that happens every now and then are good ways to be introspective about what should remain in a relationship and what should be thrown out. I truly hope that things sort out in the ways that have happened in the past between you and your husband, except I hope this time it is more peaceful and lasting.

Robin said...

Hi Radha,

In case you haven't seen it already, I did get up another post with the outcome. And as usual, things did get sorted out in a good way and we are back to normal.

Thank you for the good wishes.