Saturday, January 30, 2010

How things are now

DH and I have I think worked this out. There is no doubt that he overreacts and exaggerates but he is not physically violent, did not call me names (although he has in the past) nor threaten me with any harm other than the potential for separating.

Analyst that I am *grin*, I did some calculations. DH and I have an 'upset' every few months. They usually last for 4-5 days at the most. So figure maybe a month per year when we aren't getting along ~~ this still means that more than 90% of the time we are getting along swimmingly Smile

Of course, while we're in the midst of it, it does seem like the end, and I do use this blog to let feelings out... Sorry for any worries or concerns I caused any of you. I'm sorry

After a few days of not talking except for what was necessary to take care of home and children, late last Friday while in bed watching TV before sleep, we talked it out. He turned to me and expressed that he wanted to get this worked out before he left on his business trip because he didn't want to leave with things still unresolved between us (plus he wanted to have some good make up sex Rolling Eyes).

So...

He took a little thing I did out of friendship and instead of immediately asking me about it, let it stew and build in his mind until it was a H-U-G-E issue. And then he erupted. Yelled, screamed, said all sorts of things, and then shut himself off from me. Then he was apparently just waiting for me to apologize...

Thing is, I did apologize during the heated discussion ~~ only he was so worked up, he didn't hear me, at all. Also, my apology was not for what I had done (as there was nothing intrinsically wrong with that), but for not thinking beforehand about how he might feel about it and for the fact that my actions hurt his feelings. I was truly sorry for that.

What it comes down to at the most basic level is that we just do not communicate the same (you'd think we'd have it down after all these years). I prefer to be addressed directly. If you have a concern or have a question, I don't always understand what you're going for if you express it indirectly.

Example: DH says, "That person sure flirts a lot, don't they." I answer, "Yes, they do."  What he's really asking is, "This person flirts a lot. Do they flirt with you? Do you flirt back?"  And I was in trouble for not recognizing the unsaid portion of his question *rolling eyes*

Turns out, he also likes to hear the little details of my interactions, in real life and on-line. Where I'm going, where I've been, who I've talked to, who's talked to me, what we've talked about, etc. And when I don't share and he sees/hears/reads, etc. something I've been up to that I didn't tell him directly, he starts feeling like I'm hiding things from him. Even though I'm not. It's just that some interactions are so brief, and such a small portion of my day, that, while they are important to me, I just don't ever think that they are important enough to always share. Sure, he likes to share details with me about things that happen on his nights out (where he goes, who he talks with, what they talk about, etc.), but I don't ask him to, and quite frankly, I don't really need to hear about it. But, he feels better if he shares, and he also feels that if someone brings it up later and he's already told me about it, I won't feel blindsided.

So, he holds all his worries in until they just erupt and then he says crazy things that he doesn't really mean just to hurt me, but because of my nature, I believe, and then I go a little crazy, too, worrying about my future and our family's future. I've explained this to him, telling him that things would go much better if the moment he finds something that disturbs him, he would just come to me and calmly state the situation, then really listen while I respond. I'm not saying we'd never have disagreements or upsets, but things could definitely be handled better.

I know people have expressed concerns that they see characteristics in how I've described DH that are commonly seen in abusive, controlling people. Possibly... But I'm sure people also see signs of neuroses, depression and all sorts of other things in me, just from what I've written. But these possible characteristics are only a small part of the whole ~~ and most people have small bits of such 'negative' traits in them, they just keep them controlled or hidden so that they rarely if ever appear. And when they do appear, they are only evident for a short while, then get pushed down again.  EVERYONE has issues ~~ some people just handle them better.

Also, I happen to like a little bit of possessiveness and control (hellooo, submissive here Waving). It makes me feel secure and safe to know that he loves and cares for me so much. And a little rule like communicating/sharing more with him is definitely doable. We spent so many years where we just lived in the same house, when we lived constantly with doubts about our feelings for each other, with no passion, that I can live with the occasional upset ~~ especially when the outcome is that we understand one another better and become closer.

As a closing note, things have been VERY good since we made up. There has been sexting, sexy phone calls, sexy emails, flowers out of the blue, intense D/s activity, lots and lots of sex, and of course TALKING.Couples

2 comments:

thepinkpoppet said...

I guess there is a lot of truth in the saying that "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"...although I tend to think a lot (not all)Dom Men are from Mt. Vesuvius (getting ready to erupt after building too much pressure) and sub women are from some tropical island (Bora Bora maybe where we are often all too eager to please. I know..that sounds silly...but how else do you rationalize or explain MEN? Damned...don't want to do without them, can't legally kill them when you get the urge to, and get we still have trouble understanding some of them. Tee-hee. Can't remember how long the two of you have been together now...but the Capn and I have been together over 28 years now and we still occasionally have our misunderstandings. Perhaps what my paternal grandmother told me is true---we actually are two distinctly different species...MEN and WOMEN.

Robin said...

Oh, Poppet ~~~
Mars/Venus, two different planets, yep, yep, yep. :-)

We've been together almost 18 years (& have a really hard time believing it's truly that many years).

Here's hoping the peace lasts ;-)

~hugs~
robin