Friday, January 23, 2009

It's Sad

but with everything that's gone on in our little piece of the blogging world this past week, I want to state that I am real. My family is real. What I share here about my marriage and my day to day life, good/bad/silly, is all real, written as I remember it. It is up to the reader to decide whether to believe me or not.

Yes, I've changed names or used pseudonyms, I haven't stated where I live or where I work. There are times I'd like to share something here, but don't because in the telling I might give away a little too much and endanger our privacy. I realize that there is enough shared here, that if someone who already knows us in real life were to read it, they could probably identify us. It's a calculated risk I take to share aspects of my life I have been unable to share elsewhere.

I really wasn't planning to post about all this, but it's been weighing on me all week as I've read about so many people's pain from what happened. And I just have to let it out ~~ after all, that is one of the reasons I blog *wry smile*.

I'm not going to give a long discourse on lying or honesty or deception ~~ many have already done so. What I will say is that my trust in what I read on other blogs, as posts or comments, has been seriously damaged. Unless something is clearly labelled as fictional, whether partly or entirely, the tendency is to believe it is real, from the author's point of view (we all know that different people involved in the same situation may have different memories of what happened ~~ doesn't make any of them wrong, it's just different perspectives).

I understand the temptation to hide behind the written words, describe yourself as thinner, taller, kinder, etc. (In real life, I'm a wallflower, the silent and shy observer in a roomful of people, the one who rarely approaches another to start a conversation. But here, I can open up and through comments and emails interact with others without feeling crippled by my painful shyness.) But what has happened here in blogland has gone beyond that into complete and utter deception. I don't care what the rationalizations were, it was wrong from the get go.

Trust can, with time and hard work, be repaired, but will seldom ever be as strong as it was before. I am not going to advise anyone on how they should be feeling or reacting, or on how to go forward. Everyone will need to decide for themselves what the future holds for their 'relationships'. I'm still conflicted myself, and for now am just taking it one day at a time, sitting back, reading/observing, and trying to decide where to go from here.

Will I give up blogging? No; I know I'm not one of the 'popular' blogs, but I'm not writing for popularity ~~ I'm writing for me, and that urge will never go away. But I will probably change some of my reading and commenting habits... And that is sad.


M:e said...

Great post sweety...very well said!!

I'm glad you're not going to disappear. I've met a couple of new fellow 'cyberians' recently who are becoming a true delight to know through their writing and through their comments on mine and other sites.

I wouldn't class myself as a 'popular' blog either, but I made myself a promise when I started blogging that if my writing was ever driven by the number of comments I received, then I'd turn the comments off. I think its good to have that ultimate safety net if we're to stay true to the core of who we are.

As for changing where I visit, how and what I comment on.....yes....definitely think that's going to happen. Its been a horrible week. I've supported things being brought out into the open, I just wish it could have been done in a less inflamatory way.

I'll leave you with what I've said to others....this too will pass.

lots of love and a big hug xxx

lalana said...

I watched the whole situation from the outside, not knowing any of those involved too well. But it did make me think...
We all make changes to hold on to our anonymity, that's expected. That's common sense.
But, like you, I'm reevaluating what I read and comment on. I'm slowly cutting down my blogroll to those that I feel a real connection to, instead of the 200+ that I subscribe to now.
And just as an FYI, I'm real too :)

vanimp said...

Aww hunni keep writing for yourself, I think that's the biggest mistake some bloggers make is to start blogging to please others and become one of the in crowd or whatever the hell it is.

Personally I hate it and I hate reading blogs that are not "real". I love writing, somedays I have so much I want to write about and I have to tell myself to shutup lol.

Don't stop blogging I like to read yours because it's real. Right back to packing ... ugh. *hugs* xx

john said...

This things happen in life but rare.
Most people are honest. But you don't have to tell someone everything. It's important to consider if you need to protect your identity for yourself and even more for your children.
Gender switching and a false indentity are wrong and certainly when your contacts become more on a personal level.
I thought "Paul" wasn't a real dom, just a nice and friendly man giving lovely and flattering comments to a large circle of ladies all over the world. Innocent, a bit strange and definately a very lonely man. In this way he created a platform to contact ladies in real life and this without telling, he was actually married.
To add more color, he went over to writing the love story of his life with his beloved Mel. Too sweet, things aren't that in real life and certainly not in the fifties.
I'm astonished so many ladies believed his lies and even defend him now. He is a preditor like Sara from "Finding Sara" said.

I was one of the very first commenting on "Cassie". Yes, I believed, she was a real southern lady, and Tom a real well to do American executive. Not a desolution though, it didn't touche me, while Paul harmed people we know. But after reading mails from people mailing and phoning with "Cassie" in real life,
I learned she did a lot of damage too.

Some people now say to Paul: continue to spread your wisdom over us. I say:" Some one doing this isn't wise but mental ill.

Tiggs said...

Hi Robin,

I've never been here before but saw the link on my dear Dante's blog and decided to pop in. I couldn't agree more with you on all the blogging stuff and the trust issues, too.

At least for all of those/us involved at the time, it is over. But the fear that has been cast out into cyberia is still very real and the caution warnings are always valid.

Big hugs for what you've said and for continuing to dare to brave the risks here! I'm really glad to find you!


Anonymous said...

Yes, I just learned about this. I'm sad to see how many people were touched, especially women. Trust is my biggest issue and exactly why my marriage was falling apart. Living this "new way," has been about more my submission to trust, more than to my husband. Like you, we use alternative names and do not reveal too much, out of respect to our children and my husband's commitment to my personal safety, however, any and everything we right is from the heart. Thanks for sharing and getting this off your mind. I'm sorry you were hurt by someone's despicable actions. Do not let it ruin you. Thanks again, Cleo

Lucy Amber said...

Hi Robin

Have added you no problem. I love your blog, it's so interesting. I particularly love the pictures you put up of little things in your house.

Do you think you could email me, maybe, and tell me what happened regarding deception etc that you just blogged about? I'm quite intreagued. Perhaps it will give me some guidance about levels of privacy that I apply to my blog. As you see I do have my picture up, mainly because I think it makes a blog interesting if you know what the person looks like. Anyway hope to hear from you soon

All the best

Lucy Amber (UK)XX

Robin said...

Hi M:e,
Thank you so much for visiting and commenting. I love your blog ~~ it's one that I eagerly look forward to reading. I have starred so many of your posts :)
I'm glad at this point that things seem to have died down. Just wish it had never happened, at least not the way it did.
"this to shall pass" ~~ one of my moms favorite things to say :D

Robin said...

Hi lalana,
I really didn't have much direct interaction with all those directly involved in the two messes, but when so many people are commenting left and right, it's hard not to get involved on at least a low level.
I too have been cutting down on my subscriptions ~~ not so much the blogroll though, at least not yet. Not only because of everything that has happened, but just because it can get to be too much ~~ reading, involvement, time, etc.
I do enjoy your blog ~~ I'm not unsubcribing :D

Robin said...

hi vanimp,
Your blog is one of those that I always look forward to reading. No matter what you share, you do it creatively :D I'll miss keeping up with you as we're on our vacation (cruising around NZ and Oz)
Hope your move is going well.

Robin said...

Hi john,
I didn't have much direct contact with Paul or "cassie". He always seemed polite and pleasant in his comments. I enjoyed reading "cassie's" blog, but it wasn't one of my favorites because I felt it did have a "too good to be true" sense about it.
I understand about making mistakes that cause unintentional hurts; we're human, we've all done that. But this was all done deliberately.
Oh, well, the major fuss seems to be past...

Robin said...

Hi Tiggs,
Thanks for visiting and commenting. I originally found your blog right before you took your blogging sabbatical. So glad you're back and bouncing merrily along :)
I'm glad the dust seems to have settled. I was not nearly as personally involved in this as so many, but it was out there affecting so many...
And now I need to visit Dante's blog :D

Robin said...

Hi Cleo, and welcome.
Trust is one of my big issues ~~ trusting myself, trusting my husband...
I like to be the person who gives everyone a chance, but sometimes you have to pull back a bit.
And since you 'found' me, I've 'found' you and have now subscribed to your blog. I look forward to reading it.

Robin said...

Hi Lucy Amber and thank you for visiting and commenting.
I'm happy to email you with the little I know. Fortunately, I was not directly involved in either mess, but with so many posting and commenting on it, it was impossible not to get drawn in.
My main reasons for not putting any identifying pictures are not so much privacy (but that is a factor) as hubby says 'NO' and I really don't like my body/shape enough to post it all over :P