Saturday, September 13, 2008

Sex Talk with the Kids

Before I get to the main, here's an update:

Work is still horrible. Still no end in sight (there's a big box of paperwork and my work computer sitting in the kitchen to prove this). I like the manager where I work, I think he's basically a good guy, but he's pretty clearly in over his head -- and the VP has gotten wise. Not sure what the future will bring...

DH and I are getting along, fitting sex in here and there, connecting. Trying to get him to read Tantric Secrets for Men (I had to read it first). Have to get a book cover so he can read it in public (while travelling) without embarrassment -- his request.

Spending a quiet, lazy day home. It's been raining constantly the last 2 days with more to come. We're nowhere near the Gulf Coast but Ike is definitely affecting our weather. What a mess down there. I hope any readers from there are safe and sound and their homes are okay. My sister-in-law and her family live in Houston -- they evacuated.


So, to my main topic ---

I have 2 teens, a girl and a boy. And sex-related discussions do occur -- I think I'd be worried if they didn't. General discussions started when my daughter was in 5th grade and had her first sex ed class. The school arranges for the students to attend a special class at the local college health center. They had a meeting for the parents first so we'd know what our children would learn. One thing I really like about the program is that for the basics the boys and girls are together -- learning what both genders experience in puberty. I know some parents were shocked but I think it's great -- removes some of the mystery and ignorance.

We've talked not about how to have sex, but about emotions and consequences and safety. I've told them more than once that I made it through high school without drinking, smoking, drugs or sex and still had a great time, probably a better time than some of the kids I knew who did those things. I never had to worry that someone was going to catch me, that I'd get pregnant, drive drunk, or any of the other things that I saw happen to several students.

I've talked specifically to my daughter about waiting for a man who wants to have sex with her because she's special and he wants to make her feel good, not just take his pleasure. My first time was good, precisely because my boyfriend didn't force anything, helping me relax and pleasuring me until I was ready -- and I enjoyed it. I've heard enough horror stories about miserable first times that I'd rather my daughter didn't have to experience that.

My son gets talks about being responsible and not using a girl just for sex (unless of course, that's what she wants). About condoms and birth control and never to assume a girl is on birth control or disease free just because she says she is.

So what brings this on? A couple discussion with my kids this past week. Last weekend we went to a bookstore (OC needed books for school). Bookophile/readaholic that I am, a bookstore is a dangerous place but I was determined to buy only one book (Tantric Secrets...). So I separate from the kids and head to the Love and Sexuality section, where of course they had several books cover facing out with suggestive pictures. This is where MC found me and started exclaiming that I was in the "dirty book" section. I'm sure I rolled my eyes, looked at him and stated that there is nothing dirty about love and relationships. He just kept repeating "dirty books." Jeeeesh.

We head home. I'm working on my computer, having difficulty figuring something out, when MC enters my room on his way to the laundry room. He offered to help, but since spanking blogs were up, I told him no. His response -- "Why? Is it something inappropriate?" If you could just hear how he says this... Then he notices the tantric secrets book on the bed and starts in on the "dirty book" thing again. Try to tell him again that there is nothing dirty about sex. He stops, then brings up an incident from his sex ed class last year when a fellow student asked the teacher why men like porn but women don't. I stood there for a minute, trying desperately to think how I was going to answer this... Then finally said, seriously, that many women like porn, too, although not necessarily the same type that men like, that we often like something a little more erotic. He got this look on his face and turned to leave the room, shaking his head as he walked out.

I shared all this with DH later on a trip to the store and he got all weirded out that our son would come to me to talk about sex instead of to him. I didn't know what to say. Finally I said that I didn't start this, MC did, and if he's comfortable enough to come and talk to me, I'm not going to turn him away. Sigh.... DH can be a little uptight...

Later, OC came into my room and I related the MC porn question to her. Her response? Well, of course women don't like porn. We're not as sexual and we're not turned on visually. I stared at her, dumbfounded, thinking, "where have I gone wrong?" Then I looked at her and stated seriously that she was wrong, that that is what society and religions have conditioned women to believe but that is not the truth. Now it was her turn to look dumbfounded. I don't think anything else was said, and she left the room.

Talking to MC later about his dads reaction, he stated that he was more comfortable coming to me because I actually answer him (apparently DH just repeats how he needs to be careful and use condoms) and because he finds it helpful and interesting to get a woman's opinion. He's realized that what guys think girls want is not necessarily correct. Smart boy :D

So that pretty much covers the highlights of last week....

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