Sunday, March 2, 2008

March? Already?

A new month -- a new start?

We've got our first counselling session scheduled for the 11th. We have to wait til then because He (I'm sorry, but I just can't call him DH again, not just yet) is travelling for work -- Mexico this week. Then home for a week or two and then he's hardly going to be home for a while. We've decided on a minimum of 3 sessions, and then we'll assess.

It's not going to be easy, but it's necessary. He keeps telling me how sorry he is, and how much he loves me and wants me, but I still flash to how he looked and sounded and what he said just last week. He has almost a Jekyll-Hyde thing going on when he gets so angry, and he expects me to just forgive and forget. It's just not that easy for me. But I'm trying.

And if we do work this all out, I'm pretty certain spankings will continue -- he's mentioned them more than once. And then I will be back in the mindset of wanting to write about it. I'm not writing about spankings right now because it's a little emotionally painful to revisit the good spankings and sex we've had. Please bear with me -- I'll get there again.

Other news-- It's actually spring-like today, but the weather is supposed to take an icky turn the rest of this week. And he's in 80 degree Mexico. *sigh*

One of my stressors has been removed. I've been really worried about my job, about my upcoming performance review... I'm in kind of an odd position. I work far, far away from my boss, with a sort of dotted-line supervisor. I rarely even have any sort of contact with my boss, and the company has been going through a lot of big changes lately, making me worry about my future. Well, the boss sent me my review and it was much better than I expected. He had me do a self review and I struggled to find things I felt proud of accomplishing in the past year, and took the opportunity to express some of my dissatisfaction and concerns. But, apparently, he hears good things about me and my performance from others, and since he's given me goals with end dates of 12/21/08, I'm assuming there are no immediate plans to get rid of me. Now, I'm just hoping for a pay raise.

Oh, and another concern and how it would play into things -- we have a major system implementation occurring on May 1st... and guess what day my 2 week vacation starts. Yep, May 1st -- obviously planned before we knew the implementation date had changed. So I'll be working hard helping to get it all ready before we leave.

And yes, even with the recent update, we're still planning on the vacation. We've already paid for it, and I'm not sure how much of a refund we'd get if we cancelled now. Besides, we'll have two rooms -- we can always split it as girls in one and boys in the other (rather than adults/kids).

So, we're still together, still trying to work it all out. Please continue with the well wishes and good thoughts.


Sara said...

"He has almost a Jekyll-Hyde thing going on when he gets so angry"

Robin, I have never posted here before, but feel moved to do so now. Please take this within context. It is from a therapist who does not know you, your husband, or your marriage. Ask the therapist to refer him to a good psychiatrist to be evaluated for bi-polar. Your 'Jekyll-Hyde' comment is typical of the kind of comments spouses make living with the condition undiagnosed. I wish you both the best. Sara

Robin said...

Hi Sara,
Thank you for your comment. I really don't think he's bi-polar (at least as I understand bi-polar). I think it's more an inability to handle stress and a lack of anger management skills. But it is something to think about.

john said...

Don't think everything is lost. He must be under a lot of stress and probably needs understanding, care , attention and the help of a professional. Not easy, though. Twenty years ago I behaved in the same way.Counseling didn't help very much. But I got the help of an excellent psychiatrist who made me thinking about things important in lyfe. Seems he likes to destroy everything you build together. It's something you don't want to but have too, don't know why. BTW, we are still together and happier than ever before...

Robin said...

Hi John,
Thanks for the hope. I know being stressed can lead to these outbursts, so I've tried to be understanding, but he's got to stop attacking us when he's stressed by other things. This is exactly why I want him to get into some counselling -- if he needs more than counselling (i.e. psychiatric therapy), I think he's more likely to listen when someone else suggest it, other than me.
So I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's not always easy...
Thanks again.

grace said...

Dear Robin,

I'm am so terribly sorry for all that has been going on in your life right now. I'm not sure why, but I didn't get any updates on my new computer and I forgot to stop by.

I'm glad your trying to work it out, but it's awfully hard when someone is so hateful. I would steer clear of spanking until you know for sure that you can still trust him with your bottom.

Hope things continue in a positive way.


Robin said...

Hi Grace,
Glad you've stopped by :)
No spankings -- beyond the whole trust issue, I'm just not in the mood for something like that (yes, I do think about them, but with the way things are right now, I just can't think about actually having one -- convoluted, but there you go).
Thanks for the kind thoughts and hugs.