Spanking -- Why? (part 1)

Believe me, I have asked myself this question, and I don’t know that I have a concrete answer. Just some ideas and conjecture.

Does it stem from something in my childhood? I don’t think so. I was spanked as a child – not an enjoyable experience. I don’t recall it as being “ritualized”, more like whenever Mom (usually Mom, sometimes Dad), couldn’t take it anymore and let us have it (hand, wooden spoon, spatula, etc). No corner time, discussing the issue, positioning, etc. Just spanking.

That said, my Dad was not very dominant and Mom pretty much ran roughshod over him (and us kids), so maybe that plays into my desire for a dominant male in my life. Nowadays I can’t help but think that if Mom had been spanked herself she might have benefited.

Looking back, I can see signs of submissiveness in my relationships. I can see how I was most attracted to the guys who had strong presence.
· I had a male friend (T) who had an immense crush on me, and I tried, really tried, to feel that way for him. While I liked T as a friend, his personality was one where he was always following after me, being over solicitous, clinging, and in some ways apologetic about liking me. Not what I wanted in a romantic partner.
· Another boy I dated for a while (M) was not apologetic about going after what he wanted. He was younger (such a scandal in high school) but we were in drama together. Our dating started when he helped me up from my seat on the stairs, pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I was a goner. We dated for a while, mad passionate make out and petting sessions. But it was high school and we faced negativity on 2 fronts – he was 2 grades lower, and T (also in drama) was having a hard time emotionally with my dating M and having to see us everyday at rehearsal. M and I remained friends through the rest of high school.
· My senior year I dated G for several months, parking and making out a lot. I remember being terribly disappointed one time when he was really getting into it, moving down my neck, down my chest to my breasts. And then he stopped and apologized. I could understand this if I’d given some indication that I was not enjoying his attentions, but I most definitely was. So his apology brought me out of that enjoyment and frustrated me. We eventually broke up and I didn’t seriously date anyone else for the remainder of high school.

I can now see (hindsight, 20/20, etc) that even then I preferred it when the male was in control, wanted to be in control and was not going to apologize for it. Wish I had paid more attention…