It's Sad

but with everything that's gone on in our little piece of the blogging world this past week, I want to state that I am real. My family is real. What I share here about my marriage and my day to day life, good/bad/silly, is all real, written as I remember it. It is up to the reader to decide whether to believe me or not.

Yes, I've changed names or used pseudonyms, I haven't stated where I live or where I work. There are times I'd like to share something here, but don't because in the telling I might give away a little too much and endanger our privacy. I realize that there is enough shared here, that if someone who already knows us in real life were to read it, they could probably identify us. It's a calculated risk I take to share aspects of my life I have been unable to share elsewhere.

I really wasn't planning to post about all this, but it's been weighing on me all week as I've read about so many people's pain from what happened. And I just have to let it out ~~ after all, that is one of the reasons I blog *wry smile*.

I'm not going to give a long discourse on lying or honesty or deception ~~ many have already done so. What I will say is that my trust in what I read on other blogs, as posts or comments, has been seriously damaged. Unless something is clearly labelled as fictional, whether partly or entirely, the tendency is to believe it is real, from the author's point of view (we all know that different people involved in the same situation may have different memories of what happened ~~ doesn't make any of them wrong, it's just different perspectives).

I understand the temptation to hide behind the written words, describe yourself as thinner, taller, kinder, etc. (In real life, I'm a wallflower, the silent and shy observer in a roomful of people, the one who rarely approaches another to start a conversation. But here, I can open up and through comments and emails interact with others without feeling crippled by my painful shyness.) But what has happened here in blogland has gone beyond that into complete and utter deception. I don't care what the rationalizations were, it was wrong from the get go.

Trust can, with time and hard work, be repaired, but will seldom ever be as strong as it was before. I am not going to advise anyone on how they should be feeling or reacting, or on how to go forward. Everyone will need to decide for themselves what the future holds for their 'relationships'. I'm still conflicted myself, and for now am just taking it one day at a time, sitting back, reading/observing, and trying to decide where to go from here.

Will I give up blogging? No; I know I'm not one of the 'popular' blogs, but I'm not writing for popularity ~~ I'm writing for me, and that urge will never go away. But I will probably change some of my reading and commenting habits... And that is sad.

TMI Tuesday #170

From TMI Tuesday


1. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?
Nope

2. What is your type?
I have to have a type? Um, taller than me, intelligent, funny/witty, dark hair, a Scottish accent is always a plus :D, dominant...

3. What is the best sex game you have ever played?
Sex game? There are sex games? Where? How come I've never heard of these? Oh, yeah, right, I had a sheltered life.

4. Have you ever given or received an orgasm from a person whose last name you did not know?
Nope, knew first and last names of all of them ~~ oh, wait, perhaps not, I'm not sure I knew DH's last name...

5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a sexual partner?
Yep, many times.

Bonus (as in optional):At what age do you think men and women reach their sexual peak? Do you think you have hit yours yet?
I think it depends on how you define peak ~~ physical ability, mental & emotional levels, and skill level all play apart.
Nope, I hope not, I plan to continue growing and developing as long as I live.

Microfantasy Monday #11

As always, thanks to Ang over at Sweltering Celt.

Maggie thumbed excitedly through the catalogs. Now that their youngest child was finally moving out, John had agreed it was time to refurnish the house. And he had put Maggie in charge, within reason.

She knew that at a minimum they needed new furniture in the kitchen, family room and the master bedroom. Maggie was hoping that the game room in the basement could also get a few new things.

What John didn't know was that Maggie was not only looking at the attractiveness of the furniture but also at their functionality.

Tables had to be sturdy enough to hold their weight ~~ should John ever decide to have his wicked way with her in the kitchen.

At least some of the chairs had to be straight backed and armless ~~ perfect for those over-the-knee spankings John gave her.

Couches needed to be comfy and wide enough that they could easily cuddle together, and more.

A nice ottoman in the family room ~~ just right for kneeling and bending over for spankings, sex, whatever John would dream up.

And the master bedroom... A sturdy four-poster bed with sheer fabric panels for added romance. Maggie fantasized about being tied securely to the posts, spread eagled, at John's mercy. Or maybe she would turn the tables and tie him to the bed.

She giggled with delight as she very carefully picked the furniture that would assist in making her fantasies come true.

How Spankable Am I?

No surprise here :D

Your result for The How Spankable Are You Test...

SPANK SLUT

You are 93% spankable!

You loved to be spanked, good and hard, with any available object. You will take it as hard as anyone is willing to give it. You are probably guilty of provoking your lover into spanking you, by flagrant misbehavior or verbal challenges. Hell, your ass is probably red right now. We wouldn’t be surprised if you are standing at the keyboard, because it hurts to sit down.

Take The How Spankable Are You Test at HelloQuizzy

TMI Tuesday #169 - Back to TMI Basics

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?

      I'd say a 7 -- I could definitely get more than I am, with more variety, fun, spice, etc.

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?

       Oh. My. God. Don't stop. Love that take control attitude.

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?

        Hmmm. Pretty impressive when DH opted to buy me a sapphire & diamond ring for Valentine's instead of getting himself the new computer he wanted. Then there was the time we'd had an argument & he sent apology flowers to me at work with a special (spanking) note.

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?

      We're boring. I've done lots of public groping, etc. ~ had a boyfriend who loved to finger me to orgasm on the bus, in the theater, anywhere he thought he could get away with it. But full on sex... Bedroom, living room, hotel... nothing unusual. And considering DH's past as a risk taker, he's never really tried anything like that with me.

5. How do you liked to be kissed?

       I like it to start out slow, mouth closed, slightly opening, pausing to breathe and pull back to look at each other, building up to open mouthed w/ tongue action, nibbling and pulling on each others lips & tongue.


Bonus (as in optional):Most embarrassing sexual moment?

        I honestly can't think of anything. To my knowledge no one has ever walked in on us... nope, can't think of anything.

       

Microfantasy Tuesday Monday

Thanks to Ang at Sweltering Celt.

I walked into the bedroom, looking forward to a long hot shower before bed. A long day at work, a sweaty session at the gym ~ I just wanted to stand under the warm relaxing water & then crawl into bed.

He, however, had other ideas.

He was seated on the bed, a towel spread out next to him & another towel obviously covering something.

"We need to talk about your hair."

"My hair?" I reached up to touch my hair where it was piled on top of my head. "What about my hair?"

"You haven't been keeping groomed lately. Not the way I like it."

I didn't say anything, just stared at him in bewilderment.

"Close & lock the door, remove all your clothes, & come sit on this towel," patting the spread out towel on the bed.

*What the hell!?*

"Now! Or do I need to get the bath brush?"

*Yikes!* I quickly did as I was told, sitting on the towel and leaning back against the pillows.

He picked up the other towel, revealing hair remover, shaving gel, & razor.

"Now spread your legs..."

Follow up

Since my last post, DH and I have talked at last a few minutes every day. Not about what happened, but nice pleasant conversations, even some teasing about how couples need a little fighting every now and again so they can enjoy the making up. Humph, maybe... Not. I prefer all the fun without the agony.

PMS of this magnitude is rare for me. Normally, I have swollen achy boobs and one little 'bitchy' outburst, and about 10 seconds into into it my thoughts are, "Whoa, where is this coming from? Wait, what day is it? How many days since/'til...? Ah, okay, it's that time, I can handle this." And that's it, I'm back to normal emotionally. And, other than having an unusual amount of family togetherness over the holidays, the only difference between this month and others was not taking my vitamins/minerals/herbs regularly.

DH gives me a hard time about taking all 'those pills,' but maybe this will help convince him that they are a good thing. In case anyone's interested, along with the Cosco/Kirkland daily vitamin/mineral pack, I regularly take Fish Oil (cholesterol), Evening Primrose Oil (women's health), Cinnamon (blood sugar), Magnesium (reduces bloating, anxiety, cramping), Zinc (sex hormone regulation) , Cranberry (urinary tract), Vitamin D (energy), & Nature's Answer Female Complex. If you search these on line, you will find those who support there usage, and those who don't. All I know is that I feel better when I take these regularly. (A side note on the cranberry -- 2 years ago I had a bladder infection that spread to my right kidney; it was some of the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. One second I was okay, the next I was doubled over, sobbing in pain. I spent a week on heavy duty antibiotics as the strain was resistant. And I've taken cranberry supplements ever since and have not had even the slightest hint of a UTI since. I highly recommend it to anyone who has UTI issues.)

This is my mass thank you to everyone who took the time to comment with support & advice. It is all greatly appreciated.

I do plan to have a little talk with DH. I was hoping to do it today on the drive home from the airport (assuming I could've convinced the kids to stay home). But, due to nasty weather, all flights in were cancelled, so DH is in Texas one more night. I'll try again tomorrow, again depending on whether the kids are with or not.

I'll be sure to let you all know how it went :)

I can be such a...

... moron, idiot, you know what... and it's just so stupid that I behave this way; I'm certainly more than old enough to know better.

You get the idea, right? No? Maybe these lyrics will add a little insight:

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

What brings all this on ~~

Well, after that wonderful welcome to the new year DH and I enjoyed, there was no further sexy, romantic, whatever action all weekend. And much as I would like to be able to blame this at least a little bit on DH, nope, can't, all me.

And my hormones.

Yep, PMSing big time this month and it's because I neglected to keep to my regular schedule of taking vitamins & supplements, the ones that DH constantly questions me about, during the holidays. It's pretty easy on workdays ~~ I put all the pills into a little container & take them with me. When I get to work, I have something to eat & take half the pills, then when I have lunch, I have the other half. When I'm home all day, & my schedule is not so set, I tend to forget to set them out or if I do set them out, I forget to take them.

So, consequently, my hormones were overactive & every little thing DH said or did turned into a big irritation or hurt ~~ completely blown out of proportion by my PMS pickled brain. I was cranky, irritable and weepy ~~ not only can I not stand me this way, neither can DH.

• DH made a comment about how on earth did I manage to end up with a guy like him ~~ I heard "how did a loser like you end up with a great guy like me" ~~ what he meant was he was amazed that such a great person (me) would have chosen a messed up guy like him.
• 
  
• He watched a porno of large women (lucky for me he likes women with a little extra padding) & mentioned that one of the women was similar in build to me & that I should take a look ~~ all I could feel was horrified because I don't want to 'see' what he thinks is my size (I know I'm bigger than I should be, but seeing someone else that size is different than seeing yourself in the mirror).
• 
  
• DH goes out by himself on Fridays, & this past one was no exception. I was still up, in bed, when he came home around 2:30am (computering and barking dog contributing to the situation). He didn't come up stairs 'til around 3. Then seemed to me to be complaining that I didn't come downstairs & keep him company while he ate. Then said, "If I'd known you were going to be up this late, I would have had you come out with me." OK, this was a double-sided comment ~~ on one side it seems like a compliment because he wanted me with him; on the other side, it seems like a complaint about my staying up so late. Guess which way I took it?
• 
  
• We spent all day Saturday running errands and doing chores. No lovey dovey stuff at all. And then, when we went shopping, he stated that I was not to spend over $100 ~~ I spent $56. His reaction ~~ what did I spend $56 on; there wasn't alot in the cart. Agh. I had refused to buy the girls some treats they wanted, denied myself, just got the necessities needed to get us through the week, came in way under what his stated max was, & I got criticism. Yeah, that really puts me in the mood...
• 
  

I just started shutting down, my typical reaction when I'm feeling stressed, unloved, uncared for.

So we didn't go out Saturday. I took a shower & while I was in, DH came into the bathroom asking if I wanted him to join me. My response: I don't care, if you want to. And it went downhill from there, with DH asking if we were going to do anything, I said I wasn't in the mood, "What's wrong with you?" said peevishly with absolutely no concern or caring in his tone, "Just not in the mood." This is where I can start pinning some responsibility on DH.

No more talking that night ~~ DH watched TV, I read and listened to my iPod, as far to my side of the bed as I could get without falling off. Pretty much silence most of Sunday, as well. Until DH came storming into the room, blasting me with "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ooh, yeah, way to make me feel safe for opening up & explaining the whole PMS thing. And then, when I did try to say something, not necessarily as nicely as I could have, admittedly, he told me to shut up. Can. Not. Win. That ended any effort at civility for Sunday.

Now, I did kiss DH good bye Monday morning ~~ he was off to Mexico, & I just couldn't let him go without doing that. And we've talked every day ~~ nothing about our tiff or anything lovey or romantic, but not nasty either.

Happy Happy New Year!

Hi Everyone. Good morning and Happy New Year! Hope you welcomed the new year in just the way you wanted.

Things have been pretty quiet around here. We survived spending five l-o-n-g days together as a family over Christmas -- we're not used to spending so much time with each other. Then back to work for a few days, and now another four days together.

DH and I went out last night. No big New Year's party, just one of the places we like to go, a pub/restaurant with good food and good drinks. And because they don't have a New Year's special, it was not very crowded or noisy. It was really pleasant. We ate, had a couple of drinks, chatted with people, and counted down to midnight. DH kissed my soundly and got a few breast squeezes in too :D

I had planned for some 'outrageous' fun last night, but truthfully, I was too tired after working all day, shopping, and taking care of the kids before we went out. I get a daily horoscope for couples and this is what it said for yesterday:

You and your honey can look forward to sharing a lot of adventures in the coming year. Get yourself off on the right foot by trying something a little bit outrageous tonight.

At the store I bought whipped cream, chocolate sauce, caramel sauce (DH's favorite) and ice cream (DH likes Ben and Jerry's Karamel Sutra -- ok, I like it too). I was thinking we could get a neat sheet out in our bedroom and have some food fun. But by the time we got home, it was just going to be too much. Maybe tonight or tomorrow or Saturday...

Not that we didn't have fun last night... We snuggled and touched and kissed. I went down on DH, sucking and licking and nibbling while he wrapped his fist in my hair. Then he went down on me, telling me I 'had' to come from his tongue -- something I find difficult to do. But I did it :D And it didn't take too long, either. Felt so so good. Then some more attention to DH, this time kneeling in front of him.

Before too long, DH had me kneeling on the bed and he quickly entered and thrusted hard and fast bringing me to orgasm. Then he moved me onto my side, with one leg raised -- I came again. Now on my back for a bit, 'til DH wanted me back on all fours for anal.

Oh. My. God. He just moved slowly and gently back and forth, then stood still while I did the movement -- I can't move myself fast enough or hard enough to come, but it kept me right on the edge for what seemed like forever. I kept my face buried in the pillow, fists clenching blankets and pillows as the feelings just built and built and hovered right there at the incredibly exquisite point -- you know the one, where you're so so very close that the slightest movement harder and/or faster is all it will take to tip you over the edge. I could feel the pressure building in my pussy...

The whole time DH is telling me how much he loves my ass, loves to fuck it, that he'll fuck me all night 'til dawn if that's what I want... Then he's telling me to say how much I love his cock and being fucked by him --- I can hardly breathe and think, the sensations are so all consuming, let alone string words together in coherent sentences, but I apparently managed to get enough words out to please him. Finally, he gave a few hard fast thrusts and I was able to orgasm, screaming into the pillow. Then back to the slow and steady movements, guiding me back and forth with his hands on my hips. With the pressure lessened, I could now finally say all the things he wanted to hear me say. I don't know how long this went on, but eventually I had to beg him to just fuck me hard and come. He questioned this, saying he could go on much longer. I just couldn't -- my hips and legs were feeling the strain and the pain was starting to overwhelm the pleasure. So he did, and I did, again, then just collapsed on the bed.

After clean up and some water (staying on the edge for so long, then having multiple screaming orgasms tends to leave me pretty parched), we snuggled some more, holding hands and talking a bit before drifting off to sleep.

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So, our new year appears to be off to a good start :D

Right now, while I'm writing here, DH is finalizing our vacation itinerary, arranging all our flights. This year we're going Down Under, going on a 12 day cruise around New Zealand then across to Australia, from Tasmania up to Sydney. I'm excited. Neither of us has ever been, but we've always wanted to. And since it will be February and bitterly cold here, the warmer weather will be so very very nice.

One of the biggest benefits of DH's travel for work (besides the fun 'welcome home' activities I often plan for him) is all the mileage he collects. He earns over 100,000 miles a year and gets free upgrades. Using the mileage for our trips really reduces the cost of these vacations -- couldn't do all this otherwise. My mom is coming out to watch the kids for us -- DH has arranged for her to fly here and back in first class ($5 per flight). I don't think she's ever flown first class in her life. I'm looking forward to enjoying first class myself for at least one leg of the trip (we fly from here to San Francisco, then to Sydney, then to Auckland; coming back it's Sydney to San Francisco, then to home).

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So, there's a bit of news. Now I'm off to fix some food -- as soon as the Rose Parade is over :D