... moron, idiot, you know what... and it's just so stupid that I behave this way; I'm certainly more than old enough to know better.
You get the idea, right? No? Maybe these lyrics will add a little insight:
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
What brings all this on ~~
Well, after that wonderful welcome to the new year DH and I enjoyed, there was no further sexy, romantic, whatever action all weekend. And much as I would like to be able to blame this at least a little bit on DH, nope, can't, all me.
And my hormones.
Yep, PMSing big time this month and it's because I neglected to keep to my regular schedule of taking vitamins & supplements, the ones that DH constantly questions me about, during the holidays. It's pretty easy on workdays ~~ I put all the pills into a little container & take them with me. When I get to work, I have something to eat & take half the pills, then when I have lunch, I have the other half. When I'm home all day, & my schedule is not so set, I tend to forget to set them out or if I do set them out, I forget to take them.
So, consequently, my hormones were overactive & every little thing DH said or did turned into a big irritation or hurt ~~ completely blown out of proportion by my PMS pickled brain. I was cranky, irritable and weepy ~~ not only can I not stand me this way, neither can DH.
I just started shutting down, my typical reaction when I'm feeling stressed, unloved, uncared for.
So we didn't go out Saturday. I took a shower & while I was in, DH came into the bathroom asking if I wanted him to join me. My response: I don't care, if you want to. And it went downhill from there, with DH asking if we were going to do anything, I said I wasn't in the mood, "What's wrong with you?" said peevishly with absolutely no concern or caring in his tone, "Just not in the mood." This is where I can start pinning some responsibility on DH.
No more talking that night ~~ DH watched TV, I read and listened to my iPod, as far to my side of the bed as I could get without falling off. Pretty much silence most of Sunday, as well. Until DH came storming into the room, blasting me with "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ooh, yeah, way to make me feel safe for opening up & explaining the whole PMS thing. And then, when I did try to say something, not necessarily as nicely as I could have, admittedly, he told me to shut up. Can. Not. Win. That ended any effort at civility for Sunday.
Now, I did kiss DH good bye Monday morning ~~ he was off to Mexico, & I just couldn't let him go without doing that. And we've talked every day ~~ nothing about our tiff or anything lovey or romantic, but not nasty either.
Well, after that wonderful welcome to the new year DH and I enjoyed, there was no further sexy, romantic, whatever action all weekend. And much as I would like to be able to blame this at least a little bit on DH, nope, can't, all me.
And my hormones.
Yep, PMSing big time this month and it's because I neglected to keep to my regular schedule of taking vitamins & supplements, the ones that DH constantly questions me about, during the holidays. It's pretty easy on workdays ~~ I put all the pills into a little container & take them with me. When I get to work, I have something to eat & take half the pills, then when I have lunch, I have the other half. When I'm home all day, & my schedule is not so set, I tend to forget to set them out or if I do set them out, I forget to take them.
So, consequently, my hormones were overactive & every little thing DH said or did turned into a big irritation or hurt ~~ completely blown out of proportion by my PMS pickled brain. I was cranky, irritable and weepy ~~ not only can I not stand me this way, neither can DH.
- DH made a comment about how on earth did I manage to end up with a guy like him ~~ I heard "how did a loser like you end up with a great guy like me" ~~ what he meant was he was amazed that such a great person (me) would have chosen a messed up guy like him.
- He watched a porno of large women (lucky for me he likes women with a little extra padding) & mentioned that one of the women was similar in build to me & that I should take a look ~~ all I could feel was horrified because I don't want to 'see' what he thinks is my size (I know I'm bigger than I should be, but seeing someone else that size is different than seeing yourself in the mirror).
- DH goes out by himself on Fridays, & this past one was no exception. I was still up, in bed, when he came home around 2:30am (computering and barking dog contributing to the situation). He didn't come up stairs 'til around 3. Then seemed to me to be complaining that I didn't come downstairs & keep him company while he ate. Then said, "If I'd known you were going to be up this late, I would have had you come out with me." OK, this was a double-sided comment ~~ on one side it seems like a compliment because he wanted me with him; on the other side, it seems like a complaint about my staying up so late. Guess which way I took it?
- We spent all day Saturday running errands and doing chores. No lovey dovey stuff at all. And then, when we went shopping, he stated that I was not to spend over $100 ~~ I spent $56. His reaction ~~ what did I spend $56 on; there wasn't alot in the cart. Agh. I had refused to buy the girls some treats they wanted, denied myself, just got the necessities needed to get us through the week, came in way under what his stated max was, & I got criticism. Yeah, that really puts me in the mood...
I just started shutting down, my typical reaction when I'm feeling stressed, unloved, uncared for.
So we didn't go out Saturday. I took a shower & while I was in, DH came into the bathroom asking if I wanted him to join me. My response: I don't care, if you want to. And it went downhill from there, with DH asking if we were going to do anything, I said I wasn't in the mood, "What's wrong with you?" said peevishly with absolutely no concern or caring in his tone, "Just not in the mood." This is where I can start pinning some responsibility on DH.
No more talking that night ~~ DH watched TV, I read and listened to my iPod, as far to my side of the bed as I could get without falling off. Pretty much silence most of Sunday, as well. Until DH came storming into the room, blasting me with "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ooh, yeah, way to make me feel safe for opening up & explaining the whole PMS thing. And then, when I did try to say something, not necessarily as nicely as I could have, admittedly, he told me to shut up. Can. Not. Win. That ended any effort at civility for Sunday.
Now, I did kiss DH good bye Monday morning ~~ he was off to Mexico, & I just couldn't let him go without doing that. And we've talked every day ~~ nothing about our tiff or anything lovey or romantic, but not nasty either.
