"Hope things are going well between you and DH. Just between the two of us, never thought of taking a lover in the past when marriage seemed doomed?
Things are okay -- still nowhere near enough spankings, sex, or just plain intimacy as far as I'm concerned, but no blowups, major or minor, either. Not my libido or energy level, but his (although between my crazy work load the past several months, his travels and life in general, I suppose it's not too surprising).
Taking a lover? Nope never a serious thought of doing so. Why? Oh so many reasons.
First, we lived for a long while as what I would call more roommates with benefits than as husband and wife. We slept in the same bed, had sex (uh, yeah, 3 kids), but other than that just never seemed to be on the same page relationship wise. Having kids changed my body (negatively) and took up a lot of my time and energy, plus working and trying to keep house -- I certainly didn't feel attractive to myself or to my husband, so why would I think anyone else would find me so. And I basically just closed myself off emotionally. And although it's never been diagnosed, I do believe that off and on over the years I have suffered from mild depression -- much less now than ever before.
Second, it's not in my nature. Even when things have been at their worse, I can't even imagine myself having an affair. When I am fantasizing about someone other than DH , I am not me (if that even makes sense) or I am an alternate reality me where I am not married to DH. Just can't seriously see myself taking that kind of risk. Seeing myself just walk away, yes; cheating, no. And really what made me stay was not an undying love, but lack of energy (depression), complacency (this is just how it is), not seeing how I could ever find anything better (self-esteem issues), not wanting to be alone, and worrying about finances and taking care of the kids.
Third, while I may fantasize about wild and crazy casual sexual encounters, I don't think that I can really do that. I truly am more of relationship sort of person -- there has to be connection beyond the purely physical. Plus, I never go anywhere where I might even meet someone -- I don't even put myself in a situation where DH might question my fidelity. We go out together or with friends -- I don't think I've ever even been to a bar by myself. Even when I was single, I was always with friends. Never been a party girl. I do realize that the internet could make it easier to find a potential lover, but since I'm not looking, I don't 'look'.
We have discussed open marriages/polyamory. And while I think I am more than capable of loving more than one person, keeping our marriage primary, and following whatever rules we would lay out, DH doesn't trust himself to follow any rules and would take it as the freedom to do whatever he wanted, with whomever, with no regard for our marriage, me or the 'rules'. So we don't even discuss it anymore.
Anyway. So I have stayed, not strayed, and things have improved. Are we perfect? Yeah, right, you've seen us on all the talk shows advising everyone on how to have the perfect marriage, haven't you? Hah. It's still pretty close to one day at a time, with some better than others. I just stay hopeful, and keep working on my communication skills. He's not a mind reader... yet *grin*
So, John, is that enough of an answer, do you need more, or do you have more questions?
Let me know.
